Day 84

I've kept Starbucks in business the past 3 days with how many venti caramel light frappaccino's I've had.  It's somewhere between 8 and 10.  (I really wish that were a typo.)  The caffeine withdrawal headache is not going to be good.  But I digress.

Here's what I know to be true about me as a person.  (List to follow in no particular order.)  I've known this for the past 18-19 months but didn't know how to change it or if I even wanted to.  Now that I'm meeting therapist #2 tomorrow I figured I should probably be ready to articulate why I'm there.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to "do well" whenever possible.  If it was possible to get 100% on an assignment, even in the first grade, then I wanted to.  I don't know how a 6-year old comes to feel this way but I did.  If I know I can't get 100% for some reason then I'm ok with that usually.  But if I know it's possible "to be perfect" then I want that and am usually pretty frustrated if it doesn't happen.  I hate feeling dumb also falls under this category I think.  I don't like asking for help either.  I want to be able to do things myself.  I think that covers that crap.

For as long as I can remember I've hated conflict (and change).  Growing up I always felt like it was my job to "smooth things over" and to change the subject and to make other people happy.  I hate it when people are annoyed.  I generally think it's over petty things that don't really matter and it is really upsetting to hear people argue.  So I usually approach situations with the "I don't care" attitude because I don't want there to be any conflict.  It's easier to "go with the flow" except that you rarely get to do what you really want to do.  Therefore, I typically prefer to do things alone.

I don't feel like I can be honest with people.  I'm afraid that if I'm honest then people will either not understand or they won't like me.  Either way I end up feeling like no one loves me for me.  (And I know this isn't true but since my brain is so messed up right now I feel that it's true.  I don't love me right now because I'm mad that I let myself get all crazy.  I'm mad that I care more about what others think than what I think.  I'm mad that I'm not comfortable standing up for what is best for me.  I'm mad that I don't feel like I can be honest.  I'm mad that I can't go to church without crying.  I'm just mad...and sad...all at the same time.)

And finally, why are you letting yourself gain all your weight back?  The main three answers are: I'm not worth it.  Being a healthy size didn't change anything so why bother.  People criticized me for losing too much weight and a lot of conflict developed from the choices I was making.

I know I need to decide that what I want matters.  The problem is I don't know what I want.  I do know that I want to feel good about myself...and right now I don't.  I know I need to believe that I don't need to explain my actions to anyone but to God.  I don't need anyone else's approval.  I know all of these things in my brain but I don't really believe them.  And that's why I'm so messed up right now.  At least I know that.