Day 246

I have had A LOT of starbucks today.  I am going on a three month coffee boycott.  I spend way too much money at starbucks.  I know that I am mad at God.  I know that I feel like the writer of Ecclesiastes.  I am chasing things, trying to find meaning in life, when really we can only find our purpose for living in God and his plan for us.  I know this but I don't do anything with it.  I don't know if I don't trust it or I don't believe it or it's too much work or what.  I just know that stuff sucks sometimes.  Am I mad at God or mad at myself?  I think too much.

Day 245

It has been a long day.  Much has been learned, I think.  I'm done with the football player.  Live and learn.

Day 244

I'm on edge for some reason.  I need to go to sleep now.  I corrected stats tests this afternoon.  I was productive.  I walked around an outlet mall.  I had a good night.  But now I'm thinking about going crazy.  I need to go to sleep.  I will.

Day 243

I am sooo tired.  I did correct the quizzes this morning at Starbucks.  They mostly went alright.  I am ready for the weekend.  Woohoo!

Day 242

I am tired.  I am supposed to be correcting Geometry tests.  I really don't want to do that right now.  I will probably try to get up early and correct them then.  Maybe I'll go to a Starbucks.

Day 241

It was a fun day of firsts.  Lol.  A good day.

Day 240

It was an ok Monday.  My "worst" class of the day is probably the one I start with.  Ugh.  But then it's done so that is kind of nice.  I'm hanging out with the football player tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.  It'll be the third time I'm seeing him in person.  I'm looking forward to it.

Days 238 and 239

It was a nice weekend with my parents.  I got a lot of stuff done too.  Load of laundry #3 is currently underway.  The Long Beach Marathon is in 2 weeks.  Ahh...  I didn't train for it at all.  It was just too hot to go running.  I'm thinking I can walk the 26.2 miles in the course time limit.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm kinda ready for the week.  I meet my new therapist on Thursday.

Day 237

Friday was a good day.  I had dinner with my parents at a place in West Hollywood called Luques.  It was very good.  I ate alright and I lifted weights in the morning at 24.

Days 235 and 236

I've been eating well.  I corrected Stats tests but not Geometry tests.  It was back to school night.  I'm tired.  Parents coming tomorrow.

Day 234

What an interesting day.  I went on another first date.  The guy is super cute, nice, and smart.  Definitely seeing him again.  He lives in La Habra so that is really cool.  I ate well today too.  But now I'm tired.

Day 233

I ate ok today.  Day 1, again.  I gained 10 pounds last week.  Ryan says that's not good for my heart to keep going up and down 10 pounds.  I told him that at least now I know who I'm annoyed at when I eat.  That was good to realize yesterday.  I'm so tired.

Days 231 and 232

I'm just glad this whole week and weekend are over.  Time to try again.  I realized tonight that when I dive into eating oblivion, which I definitely pictured as a cliff this evening as I drove to get cupcakes, that I'm basically saying, "eff you world" and probably more accurately, "eff you God".  And for some reason knowing that did not keep me from doing it.  I know I need God's help, but I don't want to need it.  I have doubts.  I just want to understand.

Days 229 and 230

Well Thursday I ate a ton of ice cream.  My brother's birthday was yesterday.  I sent him a text and I called him.  I told him I was sad that I couldn't celebrate with him.  He said it was ok, obviously, and that he was having a good day.  Yesterday was a good eating day.  No out of control eating for the first time all week.  At 8:50pm I was coming home from the football game, I left at the start of the third quarter, and I was thinking about getting mint oreo ice cream.  I sent Ryan a text.  He asked if I had planned on eating the ice cream.  I said no and that I hadn't actually bought it yet.  So he asks if I really want to dive into eating oblivion.  I said it had sounded like a really good idea 20 minutes earlier but no, I'll just go home.  So crisis diverted.  I'm headed out to hike.  Hopefully it's not too hot.

Day 228

They finally fixed my schedule.  I now have a 3rd period geometry class, although today there were only 16 students in it, and no 6th period.  I don't think my 6th period kids were very happy.  Oh well.  No 6th is a good thing for me, especially with teaching AP Stats.

Day 227

Well this afternoon I ate absolutely everything that I could ever want that is located in orange county.  At the end of all that I asked myself if there was anything left I could want and I said no.  So I stopped eating.  I can't have "planned cheat meals".  It doesn't work.  Tomorrow really is a new day.  Back to "real" and unprocessed foods.

Day 226

I'm an "all or nothing" person.  So today was also not a good eating day.  Tomorrow should be better.  I'm tired.  It's hot.  Tomorrow is our first quiz in Geometry.  I have no idea what I am teaching in geometry on Wednesday.  I need to check out the calendar.

Day 225

Well I fell off the deep end eating-wise this afternoon.  My brain gets in the way.  I start to feel like I didn't "do" enough over the weekend and I get stressed.  I'm stressed because I don't know the kids' names yet at school.  But I know that is crazy because it's only been 3 days.  And yet I feel like I should know them.  It's completely nuts.  So I went to Starbucks twice and I ate a lot of gluten free cookies, thinking the gluten free part would make it better somehow.  Yeah, not so much.  So I obviously still haven't figured out a way to adequately deal with stress.  This is good to know.  Well, I deal with it by eating it away and that does not work.  So I do have a method, it's just not working like I want it to.  The idea of talking to someone when I feel nuts like this is still not appealing.  It all boils down to wanting to appear like I have things under control and not needing any help which is obviously not true.  Ahhh...

Day 224

It was a good day.  I took about 3 naps.  It was just too hot to do a whole lot around my condo.  I had fun tonight at Downtown Disney with a man I met online.  I even danced!  One song, swing style.  It was actually enjoyable and I only got a little dizzy.  Yay for trying new things.

Day 223

The pineapple line at Disneyland was so long and I was thinking that ice cream sounded just as good and my friend wanted ice cream so I did that for my cheat meal...and I even had a diet coke at her house.  Amazing.  I got the 2 scoops of mint chip ice cream in a waffle cup sundae so there was whip cream, a cherry, and chocolate sauce too.  It was worth the wait.  Next week I'm thinking of getting a peanut butter brownie from a bakery in Brea.  They are so good.  4 days into school and it's ok.  I know maybe 10 names and that's mostly the girls cross country people that I have been running with in the past.  So glad it's the weekend.

Days 221 and 222

I was so tired last night I forgot to write.  The days have been ok.  I talked a lot today and my throat is now sore.  They want to give my 6th period away to another teacher and they want to create a new 3rd period geometry for me to teach to make all the geometry classes a little bit smaller.  Right now they are huge at about 41 each.  That's a lot of teenagers in one room.  I am ready for the weekend!  Cheat meal tomorrow night.  I'm getting pineapple something at Disneyland...maybe juice and soft serve ice cream, maybe just soft serve ice cream.  I don't know yet.  We'll see.

Days 219 and 220

The last day of summer went alright and I was happy to be back at school today.  It was a strange day but it ended up being ok.  As soon as kids from last year or the year before came by to say hello, I remembered why I do this.  And seeing one class of new kids was good too.  New people to influence.  It's energizing and exhausting and wonderful all at the same time.

Day 218

Well I washed my bedding and I went to the gym this afternoon.  I thought about school work.  I looked up the word geometry just for fun on dictionary.com.  Geometry has been around for about 4000 years according to wikipedia.  Wow.  My brother called.  Amazing.  He's doing well so that was nice to hear.  I need to cook food tomorrow and do at least one load of laundry.  I guess I should also figure out what I'm wearing to school on Tuesday.  They wanted us to wear staff t-shirts.  Yeah, ok, mine is still at school in my box I'm assuming.  Whatever.

Day 217

The days for sleeping in are almost over.  I went to bed around 9 again last night because I was on that kind of stressful edge.  It's ok though because I'm dealing with it a lot better than I was a year ago.  This is progress.

Day 216

I went to bed around 9:30 because I thought I might lose it.  Food was sounding really good and I knew I wasn't hungry.  I was tired though.  So sleep was a good decision.  I did a little bit of work yesterday for Brea so that was good too.