Day 137

Today wasn't a whole lot better.  I've realized when I say, "I can't handle it" that I think the "it" is referring to life.  I'm trying to get to a calmer place.  I'm really hoping that place exists and that I can find it when "summer" starts on June 15.

Day 136

Ehh, I was out late last night.  I overate on nuttzo butter, a blend of 7 nuts and seeds.  I'm just a tad stressed right now.  Ha.  And I never really know how to "handle it".  On Tuesday I visited a coffee shop three times and yesterday I ate nut butter.  I think the coffee shop is the better way to go.  The coffee only has 200-250 calories due to the milk in the lattes.  The nuttzo butter was closer to 1000 calories last night. Ugh.  Today will be better.

Day 135

A kid from AP Stats sent me a message on Facebook complaining about their grade last night.  So this morning I woke up pissed and that feeling only passed in fleeting moments today and then it was back.  When I finally made it to the gym, I mentioned that I was really close to the proverbial edge.  Ugh.  I rowed 5000m and that helped.  I had coffee three times today.  Wow, that's a max.  I just needed to get through this day.  Watching my dad, from a distance, deal with all the stuff that needs to happen for my grandpa's service has been so sad and hard for me.  It pretty much breaks my heart.  Words can't really express how I feel for my dad right now.  And that sucks.  Then I read a book called "Season of Life" about football and making boys into men.  I'm reading it this afternoon at a Coffee Bean and I'm crying.  The dude sitting next to me probably thought I was crazy.  Whatever.  Only three more days this week.  I can make it.

Day 134

Murph went alright but I was SLOW.  12 minutes slower than when I did the workout in late November. Oh well.  I'm going to try again, sooner rather than later, because getting such a bad time is a bit annoying.  And really it's not all bad.  It's always nice just to finish a workout like that.  :)

There's only 13 school days left and I'll be taking one off for funeral stuff.  I need this year to be over but at the same time going to school gives my day a purpose so I dunno how it's gonna go when summer hits.

Day 133

The day has been alright.  I didn't really want to be at church, but I went.  After lunch I went to look at outdoor chairs.  The adirondack chairs at Cost Plus were nice but you have to buy the cushion separately. No thanks.  I need to save some money for summer.  :)  I "only" ate three times today but I did have a homemade cinnamon roll, really two halves, one with nuts and one without.  Worth it.  Rest day from the gym.  Tomorrow we're doing a workout named "Murph" after a military man who lost his life overseas.  You run a mile, do 100 pull-ups (I'll use a band to help me out with that.  Ha.), 200 push-ups, 300 air squats and then run another mile.  That much exercise is really more like brain training than physical training.  Whatever.  I agreed to be there so I'm gonna go.

Day 132

Good day.  Ate alright.  Had a roll at Lucilles.  Took a nap but still sooo tired.  Sleep now seems like a good idea.

Day 131

Yesterday was good except for a brief moment around 5pm when I suddenly got really anxious and I wanted to eat something.  I didn't plan the night before for the first time in the past few weeks and that proved to be a bad idea.  So at 5 I had about 1/2 cup of macadamia nuts, a packet of almond butter, and a banana that I definitely didn't need to eat.  Oh well.  I moved on pretty well I think.

Day 130

I'm very glad to be having a 4-day weekend.  I went to Newport Beach this evening and that was very relaxing.  I'm tired.  No gym today.  Rest days are nice.

Day 129

I found out at 5:30am that my grandpa died in his sleep last night.  It was a long day.  I went to the gym but I didn't do any rowing.  I went to the kids' play at school but only stayed for 1 scene past intermission.  I ate out once.  I really wanted to get a chocolate peanut butter shake but a guy at the gym asked me if he should get a carl's jr hamburger or go home and cook chicken.  I said chicken and if he did that then I wouldn't go and get the shake.  It was a deal.  I had a salad with salmon instead and it was very good.  About 10 minutes ago I really wanted to eat a banana with a packet of almond butter.  I am definitely not hungry.  I was able to resist.  Amazing.  15 days in a row without overeating.  Yay.

Day 128

So tired.  I ate alright today.  I need to sleep more.  :) Or go to bed earlier.  Thank goodness it's already Wednesday.

Day 127

Long day.  I woke up in a mild panic not remembering what day it was.  I couldn't remember if it was Sunday or Monday.  I hate that.  Thank goodness there are only 3 more days this week.  At depression class we had to rank our day from 1-10.  I said 5.  It was ehh.  I was productive.  I ate well.  But there are a handful of kids that want to drive me nuts.  Makes me so mad.  I rowed for 10 minutes and finished 2362m.  I am about 2/3 of the way to a million.  I'm happy about that.

Day 126

Long day.  Ate alright.  Coffee Bean twice.  Cleaned up my condo.  Didn't workout at all.  Ready for bed.

Day 125

I planned on having 3 or 4 palm-sized sourdough pancakes today and I did.  They were good.  I went to the gym and that was fine.  I wanted to row some so I set the monitor for 5000m.  After 1000m I stopped because my left knee was hurting.  I went 1000m farther and then stopped for good.  I should probably be going to sleep.  I will soon.

Day 124

I had a piece of brown "french" bread at the cheesecake factory.  Last time I ate there, I had about 8 pieces of bread.  This was an improvement.  For one of the first times I ate something that was really not on my plan so that was interesting.  I had the bread late in the day and I'm super tired so there wasn't a whole lot of time to dive off the deep end although I did think about going to Starbucks for the third time today and decided no.  Now I just want to sleep.  Pancakes tomorrow.  I've been planning on that for a week.  No gym today.  I could go now but I think sleep is more important.

Day 123

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.  I'm feeling a bit anxious.  I really need to go to bed because my mind just wandered to food and I am definitely not hungry.  It was a rest day from the gym and I think I'm taking off tomorrow as well.

Day 122

The AP test was today.  I haven't heard from anyone how it went.  I'm glad it's done with this year.  I don't know too much about my grandpa so that is a bit frustrating.  It would be nice to know if he has days, weeks, or months to live.  He's eating again so I really don't know.  Ahh well.  Having an eating plan in place has kept me from going crazy this last week.  I haven't had to think about what I'm eating during the day and that has been nice.  I need to keep this going.  I can't tell myself something like, "Oh it's been a week.  I feel good.  Let's not plan anymore and see what happens."  That has disaster written all over it.  At least I know that this time.  No rowing.  I jumped rope instead.  It was a nice change.

Day 121

No rowing today but I did go to the gym.  Working out is really a huge stress release for me right now.  I ate alright today.  My t.a. third period brought back the "mail" from my box and there was a hershey's hug and kiss.  He knows a while back I had decided to eat everything, so he mentioned that as he was unwrapping the hug for me to eat.  I did.  It was ok.  I only went to Starbucks once, so that was good.  I did eat out though and decided to save the kale for tomorrow.  Again, so tired.

Day 120

My eating plan today was a success.  The eating out ended up being a chicken cobb salad without the blue cheese crumbles from Lucilles.  As I'm sitting here, I'm realizing that I am SO tired.  I need to sleep now.  I went to the gym and that was fine.  No rowing.  After rowing 42,195m last week, I'm kinda tired of rowing.  AP Test on Wednesday.  Soooo close.

My plan for tomorrow is...
Eggs, deli style ham, broccoli.
Pastrami lettuce wraps, grilled vegetables.
Banana, almond butter.
Protein shake.
Salmon cake, kale.

Days 118 and 119

I wrote out my eating plan, put it on Facebook as a "note", and was successful.  There were moments when I could have dived into eating oblivion but I just didn't feel like dealing with that on top of everything else.

My plan for tomorrow is:
Eggs, deli style ham, broccoli.
Lamb burger patty, grilled veggies.
Protein shake with coconut milk, apple.
Dinner out somewhere before depression class #2.
Banana with almond butter and another protein shake.

That's a lot of food and I may not eat all of it, but that's my plan.  No working out today at all.  "Rest" is good.

Day 117

Yesterday at around 1am I decided to put the following on Facebook:


Perhaps making this public will "help" me not be crazy...

5:30am-Eggs, ham, broccoli
9:30am-Pork fried cauliflower "rice", cucumber
2pm-Olive Pit Grill (Kabob/Veggies/Artichoke hearts OR Cobb Salad with Salmon)
5:30pm-Banana  (Mental note...buy a banana at some point tomorrow before 5:30)
7pm-Progenex
8pm or ???-Stacked (Lettuce wrap and small sweet potato fries)

I know eating out twice is not the best plan, but it seems better than eating a ton of protein bars which is what I did today.

GOAL:  Eat real food and do not give Starbucks anymore of your money!


I just wrote this at the bottom of the "note":
Success...Only change was that I had flat iron steak with the cobb salad and I ate the banana with the progenex. Having this plan kept me from going off the deep end at noon.


So it was a good eating day for once.  But I'm, again, completely exhausted.

Day 116

I am just trying to make it to Wednesday without completely falling apart.  That's when the kids take the AP Stats test and the year is truly downhill, in a good way, from then on.  I ate so many bars today that I decided to throw the last 5 out.  I need to eat "real food".  How hard can that be?  It really shouldn't be that difficult.  I was also completely exhausted this afternoon so I took a 2 hour nap.  Now I'm wide awake.  I need to get it together.  As always, good times.

Day 115

I am so tired.  Given that I rowed 42,195meters this afternoon, that makes sense.  I didn't eat the best today but none of that bothers me very much right now.  It may someday, but not right now.  Right now, I'm tired.  :)

Day 114

I had two eggs, 3 slices of bacon and about 2 cups of broccoli for breakfast.  The rest of the day was spent eating 7 think thin bars at 230-240 calories each.  Not the best plan but I was around 2400 calories for the day so ehh, whatever.

I did a terrible workout at the gym tonight: 10 rounds of row 250m and do 15 burpees.  It took forever.  Also, whatever.

I'm tired.  And I need to bottle feed a newborn kitten.

Days 112 and 113

Sunday was ok but I was hungry all day because of the half marathon.  I ate a bunch but I didn't overeat.

Today I've probably overeaten.  Again, "bars, bars, bars".  Nothing else really sounded good today.  I had eggs, bacon, and broccoli.  I had salmon, veggies, and artichoke hearts.  The rest of the day it was "bars, bars, bars".  Ugh.

Depression 2 class started tonight.  It was ok.  Should be interesting.  No rowing today.  Saving that for Wednesday when I try to row a marathon.  We shall see.

Days 110 and 111

Well I ate 4 bagels between Friday and Saturday.  I cannot for the life of me remember what I ate Friday for dinner which probably means it was "bars, bars, bars" again.  I ran in the OC 1/2 Marathon today.  I did not train for it specifically.  I ran 3 miles last Sunday and they were not "great" miles at all so when I signed up Wednesday night for the 1/2 I was not clearly thinking.  Well, maybe I was.  The week of grandmas' passing was ending.  I needed to "do" something for me.  And running for 2+ hours with no music where you don't have to worry about being mugged or run over by a car is for me.  I got to think.  I got to listen to myself breathe.  We ran by the ocean.  We went by the beach I was at when Dad called to say Mim had died.  We went by a beautiful terraced garden that was blooming with gorgeous pink flowers.  It was great running weather.  And I finished in 2:12:35, a pr by about 9 minutes.  I may not be completely happy with my weight as a number but I'm happy that I'm healthy.  I know I'm healthy, and maybe I've known that for awhile but I needed something like this to "prove it" to myself.  I also know that right now the motto, "Just keep going", doesn't just apply to running.  The second cycle of depression classes start tomorrow at Kaiser.  According to cognitive therapy, I need to "think" myself better.  Just keep going.

Day 109

I ate too many bars after I posted on Wednesday and I ate too many bars again last night.  I keep saying I need a better way to deal with stress.  I need to sit and think in my "normal" moments and figure something out that will "work" when I'm having a "crazy/anxious" moment.

I am so glad this week is almost over.  Only 28 days, I think, until graduation.

Day 108

I made it through the day.  Yay.  I didn't reflect too much.  Maybe this weekend I can do that or Friday night.  Unfortunately I have to plan time to think.  Otherwise it doesn't happen.  My calories are done for the day.  Ahhh.  I'm again wide awake at 10:30.  This needs to end.  There are less than 30 school days to go.  Bring on the summer.  I rowed 6000m tonight, not in the intervals like I had planned, but 6000m nonetheless.  I'm ok with that for now.  Gotta see what happens in a week.  Mind games to be sure.  I don't think I've ever done anything but walk for 4+ hours.  That may change.  :)

Day 107

I've been staying up way too late.  I'm just wide awake.  Not good.  I've used up all my calories for the day.  The milk frother works with fat free milk!  No more starbucks for me.  Woohoo.  It did not work with the coconut milk but I think I'm ok with that.  I did eat 3 "bars" today but it was spread out through the day and not compulsively so that was a plus.  I was going to row but I was so done after the workout I did at the gym that I decided to row tomorrow instead...after going to the dentist.  Ahhh.

I talked to my great-aunt for about ten minutes on the phone.  I've got the details worked out to see her this weekend.  At one point in the conversation I almost wanted to cry.  She said she's been thinking about her sister a lot recently and I thought, well yeah, she died a year ago tomorrow.  Sadness all around.  She said my grandma used to tell her that I was "such a little lady".  I don't remember that, which is too bad.  Oh well.  Life goes on.

Day 106

I forgot until just now that I didn't write anything yesterday.  It was a rest day from the gym so no rowing.  For day three of counting calories, I guess it went alright.  I was right at 2400, by my estimations, with help from the Calorie King book.  I drank a lot of those calories yesterday in the form of milk (with coffee and stevia).  I woke up a little bit hungry.  Maybe instead of 2 medium lattes, today I'll only have one.  And really the 2 is 3 but one of them I made at home with coconut milk and the CBTL milk frother that doesn't really work with coconut milk.  I'm going to try it with regular milk to see if that's the problem.  It's an interesting gadget, that I probably didn't need, nonetheless.

Back to rowing today.  It's supposed to be 4 sets of 1500m with 3 minutes rest.  I hate intervals.  Blah.