Day 105

Day 2 of counting calories went well.  I'm now trying to decide how much I really like caffe lattes from Starbucks.  The medium has 190 calories because of the milk.  I tried "frothing" coconut milk tonight with a whisk and that was an interesting experience.  I may go see what Target has tomorrow.  Walmart did not sell anything that looked like milk frothers I've seen online.

No rowing today but I was able to do 25 one-armed snatches with a 45lb dumbbell, each arm.  It was 5 rounds of 10 with a run in-between.  Good times.  I felt strong after that.

Today I woke up hungry.  I wonder if that will happen tomorrow...which is only about 6 hours away.  Sleep!

Day 104

I rowed 10000m and that went alright.  I did not get a pr but I did finish in less than 50 minutes so that was good.

I started counting calories again today.  That is the only eating "thing" that has ever worked so I'm going back to it.  Today it went well.

I am SO tired again today.  I'm going to bed.  Now.

Day 103

"I just don't care" was my motto of the day.  I rowed for 25 minutes at the gym and got 5185m.  I'm extremely tired.  And I think too much.  I need sleep now.

Day 102

My grandma died three years ago yesterday.  It would have been better if I had not remembered that.  I make the same mistakes again and again.  This time it was "bars, bars, bars".  I also broke my "don't eat after 9pm" rule.  It would have been better to eat a 500 calorie donut than to eat 1500 calories of bars.  Ugh.  So glad it's Friday.

Day 101

It's early but I'm going to bed.  I was going to go out to Stater Bros but I just don't want to.  I do and I don't.  If I go out I'll get a medium decaf latte and they are $3.55.  I don't need one of those.  I just need to go to sleep.

No rowing today and tomorrow is a rest day.  I did manage to get 37 doubleunders in a row.  My old max was 30.  :)

Day 100

Well I finally rowed today.  I did the 8 sets of 500m intervals with 2 minutes rest.  Ugh.  It did suck.  My legs were tired and I could hardly breathe.  My times were fairly consistent...1:52 to 1:56 with a lot of 1:53's.  That part made me happy.  Then when I looked at my time from a month ago when I did 7 sets of 500m my times went from 1:55 to 2:01.  So I'm apparently getting faster even though this is only the 3rd time I've rowed in the past 10 days.  I need to keep going.

The eating is ehh.  No caffeine was a plus.  Eating "bars" is never good because they don't have sugar and yet they aren't "real food".  I definitely feel better eating real food but when I feel anxious, I grab whatever I can or I go buy whatever I can to eat then and there...well usually in my car.  This happened today.  I managed to not listen to anxious thoughts the first time but the second time they creeped into my head I let those jittery feelings "win".  The dude at Kaiser said that people are usually some blend of depressed and anxious.  I'm definitely more anxious than I am depressed.  This seems like it should be an easier thing to "fix".  I've started the "anxiety" book that he recommended so we'll see how that goes.

Day 99

Today was a 100% grain and sugar free day.  Whatever.  I was so tired today.  I almost fell asleep while driving to school.  I took a 20 minute nap in my car once I got to school.  I had a headache all day today.  I'm blaming that on caffeine withdrawal.  Then, for fun, ha, I decided to do a rough calorie count for the food I was planning on eating today.  Whoa, it was about 2500-3000 calories...and that was without any "cheat" type foods thrown in for fun.  Whatever, again.  I was kind of annoyed at that point.  So pretty much if I have cake or chocolate or whatever, it really takes away from my daily calories and without those "real food" calories, I'm pretty darn hungry.  I also think that having "cheat" foods everyday just makes me want them even more.  All of that to say that by the time I had the chance to eat a piece of my downtown disney candy tonight, I didn't even want it anymore.  I was pissed off at the food situation and didn't even feel like having the candy.  So stupid.  Again, I dunno.

I haven't been rowing in so long because my hands got messed up Saturday trying to work on pull-ups.  I never did the last set of intervals I needed to do.  Maybe Wednesday...but not if my hands are still bad.

Day 98

I was so tired last night I went to sleep without writing anything.  Yesterday morning was eh.  I was at a coffee bean and 2 different starbucks before 8am.  I got a chocolate chip twist, 2 pieces of marble pound cake and a cold coffee drink.  Church interrupted the eating spree.  I went to Downtown Disney after lunch to get 2 pieces of candy but I ended up not eating them.  I still have them though.  They were too expensive to just throw out.  I did let my eating spree continue though from 8:30 til 9pm.  I had 3 bananas and about a thousand calories of almond butter.  The little packets of almond butter are now gone.  Oh well.  Some of this is getting better and I always end up a bit more self aware.

Day 97

I had a really nice time with a friend today.  The gym was ok this morning.  Everything else pretty much sucked.  The eating was a nose dive.  The only good thing was that for the first time I changed the arbitrary stop eating time from midnight to 9pm.  Otherwise I'd still be eating and I already don't feel super great.

I'm going to the visitation tomorrow for the girl's mom who passed away a week ago yesterday.  I think that started the tailspin and I never looked back.

Day 96

Rest day from the gym and rowing.  I really only rowed twice this week.  :(  Ugh.  Tomorrow morning I want to do the intervals.  We'll see is my motto.  I've realized I can eat like crazy for all kinds of reasons.  I really want to eat crazy now.  I'm anxious for some reason.  I can't really decide why.  Back to maddening, but not nearly as bad as before.  And that's a good thing.

Day 95

The messing up with my eating everyday, on purpose, continued.  I had the mini bear claw from Coffee Bean.  Then tonight I tried to eat a bowl of cereal with coconut milk.  It's bizarre but I'm coming to realize that processed food just doesn't taste that great.  I threw the cereal away and had turkey lettuce wraps with bacon and avocado.  So much better.

I wanted to do this week's row intervals tonight but it wasn't happening.  They have to happen at some point tomorrow.  Then I was going to row 25 minutes so I could still finish 4 of the 5 row workouts this week.  Nope.  I rowed 2:25 for 500m and was done.  My brain just wasn't in it and my entire body is sore. I'm going to have to be alright with 3 rows this week.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday.  I can do this one more day.

Day 94

It was a pretty stressful day.  I saw "the kid" for the first time in the office.  He was not happy to see me at all.  My geometry kids are taking a test tomorrow and I hate review days.  I also found out the mother of a girl who hangs out in my room at snack passed away on Monday.  Then there was the sound of an auto accident every 15 minutes to signify the fact that someone had just been killed by a drunk driver.  Needless to say I really needed to go to the gym this afternoon.

I rowed the slowest 8000m ever.  I was ok with it though because I had done some other stuff first...50 reps of 10 different things like box jumps and kettlebell swings and burpees.

I told my 3rd period TA that I was adopting a more moderate approach to eating on Monday so today he walks in and offers me a chocolate covered almond.  I look at it and another kid with him is telling him, "She doesn't want that."  But I said, "Yeah, I'm good now."  So I ate the one and then he offered me another.  I accepted.  I think (and know) I need to "mess up" everyday on my eating.  But today I almost went overboard because I went down to the cupcake place in Belmont Shore and bought 2 cupcakes.  It seems too far to drive to get just one.  So I ate one with the thought in my mind that I was going to save the other one for tomorrow.  Well about half an hour later I wanted to eat the 2nd cupcake...just because I was anxious and it was here.  I decided to smash it instead.  I understand that it is bad to waste food and money but I feel so much better.

I decided to document the smashing process...

Day 93

It was an interesting day.  The kids at school didn't drive me nuts, at least not very often.  :)  I came home and cooked some moroccan chicken to eat Wednesday and Thursday.  My new favorite thing to eat is turkey, bacon, and avocado lettuce wraps.  Really good.  I had that for dinner.

Then I headed out to the gym.  I didn't have a chance to row because the workout was to do 5 sets of 400m run with 60 seconds rest between runs.  So there was no way I was going to do rowing intervals after doing running intervals.  No way.  The run intervals were consistent (this makes me happy) and got better as I went along (shocking).  We run 200m out, touch a mailbox, and come back.  That turning around really slows down our times I think but whatever.  My numbers were 1:58, 1:56, 1:55, 1:54, and 1:54.

Before the running intervals we were supposed to do the "weekly challenge".  Last week was to do a dead hang hold as long as possible from the pull-up bars.  I lasted about 43 seconds.  Not good at all.  This week we were supposed to do a plank for as long as possible.  We could rotate, switch hands, vary the spread in our feet, etc.  Someone earlier had posted his time of 11:03, the time to beat.  There were 5 of us total trying at the same time.  I lasted the longest and made it to 20:32.  I was pretty beat.

Tomorrow I need to row for sure.
:)  Nicole

Day 92

I survived.  I almost wanted to call it a day at about 7:30am.  I looked around my classroom during 3rd period and mentioned aloud that the 9 days off seemed like they had never happened.  Tomorrow should be better.

The 80/90 thing is going well still.  That's a bit amazing actually.  I also figured out today the difference between a cafe au lait and a caffe latte.  The lady at coffee bean said one has a lot of coffee and some milk. The other has some espresso and then a bunch of milk.  So I apparently like some coffee with my milk and not some milk with my coffee.  Good to know.

Rest day from the gym.  I'm supposed to row a bunch of intervals tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.  I dunno.  I'm not a big fan of 500m intervals.

Day 91

I talked with Glenna today.  She is wonderful.  She always has an interesting way of saying things.  We both went to see my grandpa.  We were there about 35 minutes.  It went pretty well.  I drove a lot today.  When I drive I have a chance to think.  So I thought a lot too.

There are places which will always have a special place in my heart...and usually I was at those places alone:  the first time I went to San Francisco alone, the first time I went to Joshua Tree alone, the trip I took to Utah/Az alone, and last spring break's trip to Stinson Beach, again, alone.  I did a trail run up the mountain from Stinson Beach in Mt Tamalpais (sp?) State Park.  It was an incredible experience.  I felt so good, so much so, that I want to trail run again.  But I finally realized today that it wasn't because I was alone that I had an amazing time.  And it wasn't because I was trail running.  It was because I felt free.

I like other people.  I really do.  I think this has been hard to see the past 20 or so months.  I need to find a way to "feel free" with other people around.  I need to learn how to truly compromise when conflicts arise. I don't think I know how to really do this because, in my mind, compromise usually means letting the other person have what they want and trying to be happy with it.  I don't see compromise as sometimes getting what I want because then I'd just feel bad about it.  Crazy, I know.  This is why this entire thing, I almost wrote "mess", is such an ongoing, baby step, kind of process.  But I do feel like I'm taking steps in the correct direction.  I don't want to mess that up.  I have to keep working at getting better.

Day 90

I have had a really good spring break.  I really needed the break.  I was able to decompress and to think and to take time for myself.  I need to figure out how to do these things when school is in full swing.

I rowed today.  10,000m in 47:49.  I think it helped me mentally more than anything to see that I could row that long without taking a break.  Now the thought of rowing a marathon on May 9th doesn't seem so far off.  I'd only need to do that 3 more times and then an extra 2194m for "fun".  At least I think that's the correct distance.

I went to the pancake house this morning with the best friend I've ever had.  I had ham, 2 eggs, and sourdough pancakes.  I ate 3 of the 4 pancakes and felt really good about the entire experience.  No falling off the cliff the rest of the day.  80%, 90% of the time.  Average has never felt this good.  The "feeling good" book was right.  Wow.

I almost want to cry right now and for once it's not because I'm drowning my sorrows in food wondering what the hell I'm doing.  Progress!  Even if it's baby steps.  At least I feel like I'm moving forward again.  But I need to remind myself that setbacks are inevitable and a part of life.  When, not if, they happen I need to not go off the deep end.  It helps me deal if I'm not taken off guard by things.  I think that's why of the three "grandma" figures in my life, I wish they all could have ended their lives like Grandma Ruth.  I miss them all.  I'm seeing my grandpa tomorrow.  I called him this evening to make sure it was ok that I came to visit.  He sounded excited and told me to drive carefully.  I'm hoping it goes well.

Day 89

I am so tired.  It's been alright eating wise for the past two days.  I think I've decided to adopt the 80% paleo 90% of the time kind of thing.  80% 100% of the time still has 100% in it and that's no good.  I've had a lot of time the past few days to reflect on what in the world is going on in my life and how did I get to this place and how can I get back out.  I think most of my patience has come back and I'll be ready Monday for the last 2 months of school.  I was going to go row 10k tonight.  Nope...sleep is better right now.  Maybe tomorrow morning instead.

Day 88

Tonight I'll be in a computer-free zone.  I think that's probably a good thing every once in awhile.  Day off from the gym.  Tomorrow I'll report back on any disasters I encountered and why.  I have a rough eating plan in place so I should be ok.  It's when, as John Wooden is attributed to saying, "you fail to plan, that you plan to fail".  I know I've mentioned that before and it's so cliche, but I think it's good to remind myself of that.  I'm sure there's a bible verse that says something similar I just don't have that on the top of my head.  Good day.  (It's ok that you haven't looked at the stats tests yet.)  Relaxing day.  (It's ok that the dishes aren't done.)  Let's do this.

Day 87

It's a little early for me to post but I don't think I'm going to "fall apart" in the next 3 hours so here it is.  I had a productive day which always helps the eating.  If I'm feeling good then I don't tend to want to go off the deep end as much.  I only had one moment today when I thought, just eat it all.  Ha.  It was a broiled mushroom thing I finally tried (super good) and brussels sprouts.  I decided I needed to save the leftovers for dinner which I haven't eaten yet.  Not sure I will.  Who knows?  I do know that I got my small orange-a-peel Jamba Juice this evening.  It's only 250 calories.

My only cousin on my dad's side had a birthday today.  It was fun to text back and forth a bit.  The last time I talked with her was at our grandma's funeral.  We always say we're going to try and keep in touch but it's so hard.  I did manage to tell her that I've been in a major funk for the past 20 months and that I'm working on getting out of it.  I didn't feel right telling her everything was "fine".  Anyways, good times being more honest.  Again...work in progress.

Day 86

I slept in until 7.  At that point I was super hungry so I really needed to get up.  I had a banana with almond butter.  Then about 30 minutes later I had eggs, bacon, and broccoli.  I love broccoli.  I also ate corned beef and curry cauliflower for lunch.  I had a protein shake and some macadamia nuts about 90 minutes before going to the gym.  Then I had turkey and vinaigrette coleslaw for dinner.  I was going to go out and get my "non-paleo" thing for the day which was going to be a small jamba juice but they close at 10.  I'm not going out.  Oh well...here's to 100% paleo for the day...I guess the protein shake really isn't paleo but whatever.

I started to think around 1pm that the 2k row really wasn't going to go so well.  Last time it was very painful getting the 7:46.  No one likes to be in a lot of pain.  Anyways, I do a few swing kicks and move my arms around a bit.  I get on the rower and do a pretty slow 500m warm-up and then decide to go for it.  My goal was to get below 7:40.  I found a strategy online that said to row your pace plus 2 seconds for the first 500m, your pace for the next 1000m and then whatever you can do at the end.  That worked SO well. When I was halfway done I didn't feel like collapsing.  I was at around 1:57-1:58, then around 1:54-1:55 and I ended with a 1:51.  So my new "fast" 2k row time is 7:39.2.  Yay to 10 weeks of rowing.  I guess I can get faster.  Crazy.  I must admit that although I didn't fall off the rower at the end, my legs did take awhile to recover.  They kinda felt like jelly.

Day 85

Some "take-aways" from the day after hanging out with great people and meeting therapist #2:

Don't live in neutral.  You don't give yourself the chance to live a joyful life when you do this.  Granted you don't experience the disappointments as much but your neutral gets lower and lower and less good as you go along.

I'm afraid of conflict and of being vulnerable.

I can't be "100% Paleo" so I'm not even going to try anymore...but I am going to be 80% Paleo 100% of the time.  I realize it's just changing the name but I think this will help solve the overeating episodes.

This is all a work in progress.  So what if you mess up.  You just try again and do better tomorrow.

I know I can do these things and that feels good.

Day 84

I've kept Starbucks in business the past 3 days with how many venti caramel light frappaccino's I've had.  It's somewhere between 8 and 10.  (I really wish that were a typo.)  The caffeine withdrawal headache is not going to be good.  But I digress.

Here's what I know to be true about me as a person.  (List to follow in no particular order.)  I've known this for the past 18-19 months but didn't know how to change it or if I even wanted to.  Now that I'm meeting therapist #2 tomorrow I figured I should probably be ready to articulate why I'm there.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to "do well" whenever possible.  If it was possible to get 100% on an assignment, even in the first grade, then I wanted to.  I don't know how a 6-year old comes to feel this way but I did.  If I know I can't get 100% for some reason then I'm ok with that usually.  But if I know it's possible "to be perfect" then I want that and am usually pretty frustrated if it doesn't happen.  I hate feeling dumb also falls under this category I think.  I don't like asking for help either.  I want to be able to do things myself.  I think that covers that crap.

For as long as I can remember I've hated conflict (and change).  Growing up I always felt like it was my job to "smooth things over" and to change the subject and to make other people happy.  I hate it when people are annoyed.  I generally think it's over petty things that don't really matter and it is really upsetting to hear people argue.  So I usually approach situations with the "I don't care" attitude because I don't want there to be any conflict.  It's easier to "go with the flow" except that you rarely get to do what you really want to do.  Therefore, I typically prefer to do things alone.

I don't feel like I can be honest with people.  I'm afraid that if I'm honest then people will either not understand or they won't like me.  Either way I end up feeling like no one loves me for me.  (And I know this isn't true but since my brain is so messed up right now I feel that it's true.  I don't love me right now because I'm mad that I let myself get all crazy.  I'm mad that I care more about what others think than what I think.  I'm mad that I'm not comfortable standing up for what is best for me.  I'm mad that I don't feel like I can be honest.  I'm mad that I can't go to church without crying.  I'm just mad...and sad...all at the same time.)

And finally, why are you letting yourself gain all your weight back?  The main three answers are: I'm not worth it.  Being a healthy size didn't change anything so why bother.  People criticized me for losing too much weight and a lot of conflict developed from the choices I was making.

I know I need to decide that what I want matters.  The problem is I don't know what I want.  I do know that I want to feel good about myself...and right now I don't.  I know I need to believe that I don't need to explain my actions to anyone but to God.  I don't need anyone else's approval.  I know all of these things in my brain but I don't really believe them.  And that's why I'm so messed up right now.  At least I know that.

Day 83

I'm going where there is no internet.  I am looking forward to "getting away from it all" even if it's only for 24 hours.

I rowed 2000m this morning and it took forever but it's cool.  I'm ready for my 2 day break.

I've eaten alright today but it's so difficult to be "mindful" which was the topic for depression class #3.  At one point I'm gobbling down brussels sprouts and granted they're brussels sprouts but still, I don't need to be eating as fast as possible.

My room has a fridge so I'm taking corned beef, greens, and curry cauliflower with me.  I've also got almond butter, apples, and bananas as snacks.

I'm no longer trying to be perfect, since this isn't possible anyways, but I do want to try/do my best.  I think I can be ok with this new mindset.  We'll see.

Day 82

Starting over.  Beginning again.  Turning over a new leaf.  Whatever.  Tomorrow needs to be the day.

I rowed 2000m in 8:41.  I'm going to row maybe a little bit tomorrow and then take 2 days off so I can try for a fast 2000 on Tuesday.  My strategy is going to be 1:57 pace for the first 500m, 1:55 pace for the middle 1000m, and then as fast as I can for the last 500m.  I don't know how this will pan out since I don't practice negative splitting very often.

I ate badly...but I was reading in the depression book something along the lines of...well of course you're falling back on your coping mechanism, you haven't learned a new one yet.  You can't be upset about going back to what you know.  Ok, yeah, I'll work with that for now.  Normally I'd try to eat for 45 more minutes until it's midnight but I already feel a bit sick so yeah, I'm done.

Day 81

Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day before break.  I should be able to make it through one more day.  I don't think I like teaching zero period anymore.  Kids are late, they're not awake, and they don't learn anything.  If I go back to teaching 1-6 then I get out later but I could start swimming or doing something in the morning at the gym again.  That was really an important part of my day.  I talked to God then and I don't do that now.  I can't think at night.  My brain is moving too fast.

Ehh to the eating.  I rowed 2000m tonight as part of the workout at the gym but no other rowing.  I'm planning on taking two days off so I can try for a new "fast" 2000m time on Tuesday afternoon.  We'll see how that goes.  After 10 weeks on this "training plan" I think I'll be a little bit faster.  Yay!  (I'm trying to convince myself of that yay.)

Day 80

Such a stressful day at school.  I hate test days, especially in AP Stats.  And there's another test tomorrow...a two day test...what was I thinking?

I rowed this morning at 5am.  It's nice having late start because then I can venture out to the gym in the morning.  I rowed 8000m in 38:36.  The clock was going as I got the rock out of my right shoe so that messed up my time a little.  There was no way I wanted to row that first 150m over again though so I was ok with the extra time.

I ate alright today.  I did have a mocha lite frappaccino from Starbucks.  Not the best choice but not nearly as bad as yesterday.

I need Monday to get here so I can see what the guy at Kaiser says.  I need a plan for my life.

Day 79

In regards to food, boo.  Enough said.

I rowed 3 sets of 2000m with 4 minutes rest in-between.  I did that after a bunch of running and deadlifts so my legs were done.  Probably not the best plan but oh well.  I finished in 8:00, 8:27 and 8:30.  It got done is what I'm telling myself.

I don't know if I'm eating less than ideally until Monday when I meet with the guy at Kaiser for the first time.  I feel like if this were a track meet then I would have false started so many times by now.  I'm no longer sure of what I'm waiting for.

Day 78

My finger is bleeding and I didn't eat very well this evening.  I almost got into a car accident this morning.  I'm really surprised I didn't get smashed between the other two cars.  I hung out with a friend tonight after depression class and that's always fun but the lead up isn't always great.  I'm generally wishing that I had not made any plans.  I know I need to be around people sometimes but the pull to "isolate" and just be alone is soooo strong.  It's a bit maddening trying to decide what is right and wrong for me.  It's also bizarre because I need to accept that what was right for me a year ago or even a month ago might not be right for me now.  I hate change.  This is still all so confusing.  So rack this up to an off gym day mini disaster.  Moving on...maybe.

Day 77

So maybe this morning I actually did what I wanted to do, not what I thought I wanted to do, or what I was supposed to want to do.  I dunno.  But I feel better today.

I woke up before 5am, no alarm.  I went back to sleep for about 45 minutes and then decided to get up and go row at 24hour.  So I rowed 8000m really slowly.  Tchaikovsky's 5th symphony not as good to row to as the piano concerto as an fyi.  I went to Wal-Mart because they were open at 7:10 and I got the stuff I had wanted to get last night.

By 7:25 or so I had parked my car back at my condo complex.  For months I've thought about jogging.  I know I'll lose weight if I jog.  I just will.  I've been holding steady for the past two months or so.  I know that last time I lost too much weight.  At least 10 people have told me this, sometimes unsolicited and sometimes after I mention that I know I had lost too much weight before.  It's frustrating to hear comments like that, even if they're true, because it was like people wanted to say, hey don't do too well.  And I know that's not true.  I know people were happy I was getting healthy.

I really don't want to invite the "don't get too skinny" comments again hence the no jogging even though I've wanted to for awhile now.  It's stupid but I also don't want to do "too good" at the gym.  I did well in high school and had no friends.  I like having friends.  Do I have to live in self-imposed mediocrity to have friends?  Ehh, I don't know the answer to this yet.

What I do know is that this morning after I had parked but before I went inside I said "screw it, i'm jogging".  I took the car key off my ring, took off my jacket, started the iPod back up and took off.  I jog occasionally during workouts at the gym but I haven't jogged more than a mile at once in about 4 months.  I was thinking I would go 2.  Then it was 3.  Then I thought about 5 and decided that 4 would be ok, all the while feeling less and less pissed off at the world as I went.  When I was getting close to finishing 4 I asked myself, as I passed my starting point, if I was still annoyed and I couldn't decide so I kept going.  Then I thought about stopping at 5 because my legs were starting to feel sore but as I came back by my starting point I felt ok so I kept going.  After 6 I decided I had nothing left to prove, I wasn't mad anymore, and I needed to eat so I could shower and get to church.

I'm never going to be "good" at running, especially because at my pace I'm technically "jogging", but I don't care.  I like to jog.  It's amazing to me how far a person can go using nothing but themselves to get there.  If the chance of being killed weren't so high I'd like to start jogging and just keep going, a la Forrest Gump.  Oh well, I'll take what I can get, and I don't care what people are going to say...it's just not worth it.  And really, I'm always going to care what people say...maybe I just won't let it bother me so much.