So maybe this morning I actually did what I wanted to do, not what I thought I wanted to do, or what I was supposed to want to do. I dunno. But I feel better today.
I woke up before 5am, no alarm. I went back to sleep for about 45 minutes and then decided to get up and go row at 24hour. So I rowed 8000m really slowly. Tchaikovsky's 5th symphony not as good to row to as the piano concerto as an fyi. I went to Wal-Mart because they were open at 7:10 and I got the stuff I had wanted to get last night.
By 7:25 or so I had parked my car back at my condo complex. For months I've thought about jogging. I know I'll lose weight if I jog. I just will. I've been holding steady for the past two months or so. I know that last time I lost too much weight. At least 10 people have told me this, sometimes unsolicited and sometimes after I mention that I know I had lost too much weight before. It's frustrating to hear comments like that, even if they're true, because it was like people wanted to say, hey don't do too well. And I know that's not true. I know people were happy I was getting healthy.
I really don't want to invite the "don't get too skinny" comments again hence the no jogging even though I've wanted to for awhile now. It's stupid but I also don't want to do "too good" at the gym. I did well in high school and had no friends. I like having friends. Do I have to live in self-imposed mediocrity to have friends? Ehh, I don't know the answer to this yet.
What I do know is that this morning after I had parked but before I went inside I said "screw it, i'm jogging". I took the car key off my ring, took off my jacket, started the iPod back up and took off. I jog occasionally during workouts at the gym but I haven't jogged more than a mile at once in about 4 months. I was thinking I would go 2. Then it was 3. Then I thought about 5 and decided that 4 would be ok, all the while feeling less and less pissed off at the world as I went. When I was getting close to finishing 4 I asked myself, as I passed my starting point, if I was still annoyed and I couldn't decide so I kept going. Then I thought about stopping at 5 because my legs were starting to feel sore but as I came back by my starting point I felt ok so I kept going. After 6 I decided I had nothing left to prove, I wasn't mad anymore, and I needed to eat so I could shower and get to church.
I'm never going to be "good" at running, especially because at my pace I'm technically "jogging", but I don't care. I like to jog. It's amazing to me how far a person can go using nothing but themselves to get there. If the chance of being killed weren't so high I'd like to start jogging and just keep going, a la Forrest Gump. Oh well, I'll take what I can get, and I don't care what people are going to say...it's just not worth it. And really, I'm always going to care what people say...maybe I just won't let it bother me so much.
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