Day 5

I took an hour nap and I am still SO tired.  I ate fine again today.  I am out of my moroccan chicken.  Not sure what that will mean for tomorrow.  We'll see.

Day 4

I am so tired.  The allergies are not letting up.  I ate according to my list today except I added in an apple towards the end of the day.  I'm at 2205 for the day.  I told Ryan I thought his scale is messed up because it said in about 4 days, I had lost 10 pounds.  No way.  I need sleep now.

Day 3

Today I had 2240 calories.  I made out a list last night of everything I was going to eat during the day.  I stuck to my list.  It was a bit "boring" but that worked today.  I need that list right now when there is so much going on.  I am tired once again.  Sleep!

Day 2

I made it another day.  I finished at 2295 calories.  I measured out the coconut milk even so I would ensure I wouldn't be over.  It's worth being neurotic to feel in control sometimes.  This is going to be a busy whirlwind of a week.  So tired but I need to do a bit of work for school.

Day 1

I had a massive headache all day yesterday.  I had slept in.  I went to the gym.  I spent most of the day online doing random stuff.  I took a nap.  I only ate 1890 calories.  By 10pm I had a migraine.  Not the best day but I do feel a little better now.  I have a ton to do today.

Day 272

Tomorrow begins the "dress diet".  The bridesmaid dress that fit in the summer no longer fits.  It does not zip all the way up...at all.  I have about 50 days to get this together.  I know that is enough time if I try.  I had 3 kids try to cheat and/or lie to me today.  All boys.  The 2nd kid and I had a good conversation.  I was very honest about feeling bad asking him to try on a test when I wasn't trying to quit eating chocolate when I'm stressed.  He got where I was heading pretty quick.  He said he'd really try when Monday rolls around and I said I would really try to not eat chocolate and in my mind I said starting tomorrow because I did not eat well this afternoon at all.  It's ok.  Tomorrow is "day 1"...again.

Day 271

I spent about $500 on my car this afternoon.  That was unexpected.  I need to not be sick.  I need a long weekend.  I wrote more "unsent letters" this evening.  5 of them.  I don't feel a whole lot better.  I made bad food decisions again.  The good part is that I did not go back out after getting home.  In the past that probably would have happened.  It's good that it didn't because at that point I'd be getting sick to my stomach.  I need to drink more water.  I need sleep.  Another silver lining is no Starubucks for 5 days and counting.

Day 270

I don't think I want to "get better".  I do but I don't.  It would be nice to be "normal" again.  It would be nice not to nosedive into a jar of chocolate peanut butter.  Even when I tell myself I can eat anything and that there are no rules, I know that's not really true.  I know some choices are better than others.  So I still "beat myself up" when I make the less than ideal choice.  I give myself no room for errors.  I want to be perfect, because then maybe the rest of "life" would follow.  I know that's not true and yet I operate like it is.  When I look around and see everyone else stressed out for some reason, I almost feel like I need to be all stressed out too.  I don't want to be the one that has everything together.  It's too much pressure.  And it doesn't seem fair.  Why am I the one with the "nice job and car and place to live"?  I'd rather be dirt poor with a mom whose memory was still top notch.  I'd rather drive a clunker of a car if it meant my brother and his future family lived nearby.  I know I'm whining and complaining.  I know I choose what I eat.  I know that I make that decision.  No one forced me to buy the chocolate peanut butter and no one forced me to eat the entire jar in 30 minutes.  I did those things.  And life isn't any better now...but I wish it was.  When I'm eating spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter I do think about stopping.  But at that point I've decided that stopping doesn't make any difference.  I don't see it as a partial "win".  I see it as a complete loss.  None of this is good.  I have the power in me to make good decisions.  I've done it before.  I just have to want to make the good decision.  I have to make the good decision because that's what I really want to do...not just because I know it's right or because I've told someone else I'd make a good choice.  I have to legitimately want to make the right choice.  The right choice isn't easy.  That makes me mad.  Why can't any of this be easy?  I've signed a piece of paper that says I'm not going to overeat and if I do there are consequences.  Those consequences haven't kept me from overeating yet, but I know they eventually will.  I never made "bad decisions" growing up.  I didn't know what consequences were.  I never had detention and I was never in trouble at home.  I did the right thing...almost all of the time.  The few times I did mess up I didn't get caught, but I always felt bad about it.  I knew I had messed up.  I knew people expected more from me...or at least I thought they did.  Growing up trying to be perfect wasn't easy.  I do not yet know how to live with "average".  But I know I'll figure it out.  I just don't know when.  I need to be patient with the process...which is really really difficult.

Day 269

Well after falling apart again this afternoon, I am going back to eating 6 times a day at about 400 calories a "meal".  That is the only "plan" that has consistently worked for me.  I haven't utilized it in 2 years, so we'll see how it goes this time.  I just need to stick with something.  I need to quit looking for the "magic" solution.  I have to realize that a lot of things will work but I need to commit to a plan and then give it a shot.  I can't throw my hands into the air the first time it goes bad.  I have to keep trying.  Is tomorrow a new "day 1"?

Days 265-268

Wow, it's been awhile.  The tests on Friday didn't go too badly.  I corrected a bunch of them Friday night and finished on Saturday morning.  I had good times with friends on Saturday.  I did a lot of walking and rowing.  I'm getting closer to finishing these dang million meters.  I managed to get a sore throat on Sunday and I also had a massive headache.  Not so much fun there but what can you do.  I went to school today but took a 2 hour nap when I got home which was nice.  I've been eating ok, but not great.  I still tend to overeat when I am stressed and that part is bad.  I will get better!

Days 263 and 264

Hmm...this has been a VERY long week.  All of my classes are taking a test tomorrow.  I hate test days.  Maybe tomorrow will be good.  I was determined to have a good day yesterday and I did!  I don't know why I am still awake.  I should go to sleep.  I should do a lot of things.

Day 262

Well after briefly nosediving into trail mix this afternoon and then stopping halfway through the bag Ryan sent me a text saying he had an idea.  So when I got to the gym he said I get to "start over" but I need to do some make-up cardio stuff before Sunday.  I'm only going to be making up about half the calories I owe so that is a great deal.  Knowing I'm getting a do-over kept me from further face planting tonight.  That was good.  It has been a long week...and it's only Tuesday.  Yay for hump day!

Day 261

I had 2 donuts this morning.  I thought that would maybe be 400 calories.  Haha...a friend looked it up for me and it was 460 in ONE and 300 in the other one.  Wow.  Talk about getting slammed.  I ran three miles and did 60 baby burpees.  50 minutes of cardio is not worth 2 minutes of donut eating.  That was a good thing to discover.

Day 260

I went over by about 400 calories.  Ahh.  I do not deal well with stress.  Walking around a bunch helped a lot.  That was nice to realize.  I think I'm going to be doing a lot of walking in the next 3 months.

Day 259

It was a very good day just a bit long.  I need sleep!  I did not go over my calories for the first time all week.  That was fun.  I also did not overeat in my car whilst driving.  That was also a very nice thing.

Day 258

I knowingly jumped off the deep end again this afternoon.  The wedding is only 70 days away!  The dress has to fit or Ben and Darell will be upset.  Ahh...

Day 257

It was an interesting day to say the least.  I got to hang out with friends so that was a lot of fun.  I am now exhausted.  So glad that tomorrow is Friday!

Days 255 and 256

I need better ways to deal with stress.  There has to be some.  I have no idea what they are...still.  Lol, kinda.

Day 254

I'm still keeping Starbucks in business.  I went over my 2000 calorie limit for the day by 50 calories...or at least that was my estimate.  So I did 50 burpees.  That was not fun.  I don't want to be doing that very often.  Lol.

Day 253

The week is over!  I only ate 1985 calories today so that was a plus.  800 of those were from drinks.  I'm a bit hungry.  I'm going to bed.

Days 251 and 252

I need tomorrow to be over.  Eating disaster of a week.  I need to try again and then keep trying again.  My goal is to no longer overeat.  I can "deal" with the sugar way better than overeating.  I did well with a calorie counting thing so I'm going that route for awhile.  I dunno.  Anything's better than this nonsense.

Day 250

It was not a good eating morning at all.  I had a venti carmel lite frap on the way to school and that would've been ok, but I also stopped for 3 donuts, 3 cookies, and a muffin.  Ahh...So glad tomorrow is Friday.  I'm going to make it.

Day 249

What a day.  That's about it actually.  I'm still not really talking to God except for brief moments asking, "Why?"  Ate better than yesterday but not great.  Finally finished reading "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom.  I cried and I would've cried more but I was sitting in a Starbucks.

Days 247 and 248

I ate about 1500 calories of mixed nuts today, maybe more.  :\  I know I need to ask God for help.  I just don't want to.  I haven't figured out exactly why I don't want to.  I have guesses but I don't know the real reason.  I haven't slowed down enough to figure that out.