Days 34 and 35: July 29 and 30, 2011

July 29th:
Chocolate French Toast with strawberries, bacon at Norma's.  Chocolate chip brioche, chocolate chip banana bread, cookie from Levain Bakery.  Falafel, tahini, babaganoush, pita from The Hummus Place.  Chocolate Peanut Butter drink from Jacques Torres.

July 30th:
Banana, almond butter, cinnamon raisin bagel, plum.  Chiliquilles with scrambled eggs and bacon, mango upside down cake at Mesa Grill.  2 cookies from Levain Bakery.  Croissant from The City Bakery.  Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake from The Shake Shack.  1/2 of a corned beef and swiss cheese sandwich on pumpernickel from Carnegie Deli.  Dark chocolate Haagen Daaz ice cream bar.

When I get off the plane tomorrow I'm doing the no sugar thing.  I had thought about going to the Cheesecake Factory for a piece of cheesecake but decided against it.  I can't give myself an excuse to go nuts on sugar when I get back and I know that that piece of cheesecake would do that.  It makes me nervous just thinking about it.  I think too much.  It's 1:17am.  I should sleep.

Day 33 - July 28, 2011

Hmm...pancakes with chocolate and coconut, ham, 3 huge cookies, 1 chocolate chip brioche, lettuce wraps with provolone, peppers and 1 slice of turkey, bread, shrimp with spinach, tomatoes and orzo, 2 mini waffles with berries, chocolate and ice cream.

So I made a list, really two lists.  List one was when I'm most likely to go crazy on sugar.  List two was why I want to stop eating sugar on Monday, because I know I'm not going to stop now...the cookies are about 1/2 a mile away and there's pretty good mint chip ice cream that's even closer.

The list went like this, in this order...I pretty much wasn't thinking, I was just writing.

Why I want to stop eating sugar:
I want to like myself again.
I don't want to be out of control.
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to get diabetes.
I want to learn how to deal with my problems in other ways.
There has to be more to life than this cycle.
I don't want to keep doing things to make other people happy.
I want to learn how to be happy in spite of life's problems.
I want to learn how to be honest.
I want to do what's best for me.

Day 32 - July 27, 2011

It's 11:25pm eastern time and I'm too tired to write.  I ate at Mesa Grill (southwest) and at Swagat (indian) today.  I had churros, chocolate, ice cream and a cookie.  I'm 196 pages into a book titled, "willpower's not enough".  It's better than the books I've read about eating compulsively.  I need sleep.

Day 31 - July 26, 2011

Instead of writing today about "what I eat" (cuz I ate a lot) I think I'm gonna write about "why I eat"...

I rarely eat because I'm hungry.

I eat because I don't know what else to do.  This is really crazy because there are a ton of things to do.  I just don't know which one of the options to pick.  I don't know what I really want to be doing.  Do I want to read, or knit, or make earrings, or play computer games, or talk to people... I have no idea.  So instead I sit.  And think about eating.  And even as I'm eating I think about what I want to be eating next. 

So many good memories and events from the past involve food.  There are bad events too but when friends and family get together there is usually some meal that is taking place.  Food is "special".  And in the past two years I've arbitrarily deemed food "good" and "bad".  When I think about family meals in the past people are alive, they're young, we're all together, we haven't yet been weighed down by "life".  But people are sometimes intoxicated in these memories.  They aren't happy with who they are.  They're putting on a show.  We talk, but not about things that really matter.  I've known these people my entire life and yet I don't really "know" them or maybe I feel like they don't know me.  I feel like I'm hiding, that now I'm the one putting on a show, that if people really knew what I was thinking then they wouldn't like me.  I feel that I have important things to tell them but am not sure how they're going to take it.  I'm afraid it'll hurt them.  That I'm being selfish.  I'm afraid they won't care.  But I need them to care.  Even though I seem to "have it all together" I know that I don't.

And then the question becomes, how do you get it together?  How can a person who is 32 years old still be figuring out how to live.  I dunno.  I think I've come to grips with the fact that living is a process.  There isn't a set finish line to be crossed.  That knowledge helps a little bit.  I'm a work in progress.  "Begin to be now what you will be hereafter."... William James

Day 30 - July 25, 2011

These past 30 days seem to have gone pretty slowly.  I'm too tired to list this out in the order in which I consumed the following so here it is all jumbled up.

Pretty healthy food:  Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, red peppers.  Omlette with ham, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, cheese and a piece of toast.  Beef, eggplant, green bell pepper and water chestnut stir fry.

Sugary food:  One dark chocolate/pecan/carmel cluster.  Gummy candy.  5 dark carmels.  2 peanut butter/chocolate drinks...one at noon and one at 9pm.  One dark chocolate cookie.  Dark chocolate/mixed nuts candy bar.

(It was apparently a peanut butter and dark chocolate day.  Really rich.  All the sugary stuff was spread out through the course of the day.  I spent a lot of money on food today.  I'm not gonna figure out how much.  Oh crap...I just remembered that I also tried three of the smallest cupcakes ever, like the size of a quarter.  Peanut butter, mint, and red velvet.)

Day 29 - July 24, 2011

The following was eaten over a 17 hour period which I'm hoping, somehow, makes it not seem so bad.

Breakfast:  2 sourdough pancakes, 2 fried eggs, 2 sausage links at Bubby's in Tribeca.
Lunch:  Bison meatballs, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, cucumber from The Pump and a croissant from The City Bakery
Snack:  Iced Coffee
Snack again:  Peanut Butter Shake
Dinner:  Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, and red peppers.  2 cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery.
Snack:  Sweedish fish at intermission of the play I was at
Snack again:  Chocolate chip walnut cookie from Levain Bakery

(I got to the play early.  It was hot outside.  I went into Duane Reade (like a cvs/rite-aid) to cool down in their a/c.  Of course you have to walk by all the candy.  Sweedish fish were on sale.  2 bags, which have like 5 servings each, for $3.  One bag was $2.49.  Ugh.  I didn't really want two bags, but they were on sale.  At this point I've got the Levain Bakery cookie in my purse.  I don't really need any sweedish fish of course, but I buy two bags anyways.  At intermission I feel a little bit tired so I eat half of one bag of sweedish fish.  As I'm watching acts 3 and 4 of this play I realize that I don't really want any more sweedish fish.  But dang, I've got a bag and a half of them in my purse.  I decide to throw them out.  Which I did as I walked out of the theater when the play was over.  So I get back to the place where I'm staying and I call a friend to talk for awhile.  When we're done talking it's after midnight but I decide I still want to eat the cookie.  As I'm 3/4 done with the wonderful cookie, I actually think to myself, "Damn why did I throw those fish out?"  Umm...crazy.)

Day 28 - July 23, 2011

Breakfast:  Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas
Snack:  Muscle Milk Light
Lunch:  Scrambled eggs with chilis and goat cheese, ham, some "home fries", a variety of breads and berry shortcake at Mesa Grill on 5th Ave.
Snack:  Large peanut butter chocolate frappe from Little Brown on Lexington Ave.
Dinner:  Small waffle with peanut butter and whipped cream from the Waffles and Dinges Food Cart in Central Park
Snack:  Apple and almond butter

(I know I need to eat more real food tomorrow.  The fresh fruit is gone.)

Day 27 - July 22, 2011

Breakfast:  12 shrimp, one zuchinni
Lunch:  Sausage/cheese/sauce calzone from Littly Italy Pizza on 45th Street
Snack:  3 mini cannoli's from The Artisan Cannoli on Stanton Street
Dinner:  Pulled Pork and bbq sauce at Yankee Stadium
Snack:  Waffle cone with chocolate/vanilla swirl ice cream, peanut m&m's at Yankee Stadium

(The mini cannoli's were great.  The filling was flavored...peanut butter, mint, and coconut. We don't have those in CA so it was worth it going all the way down to the lower east side to get them in the 100 degree heat.  I also managed to walk three blocks out of the way.  That part wasn't much fun.  I could've done without the ice cream and peanut m&m's but it was still blasted hot and that was my main rationalization for getting them..and also being at a baseball game. 

I stopped at a CVS after the game and bought a caffeine free diet coke for the sole purpose of using my debit card and getting cash back.  Oh man...I looked at the sweedish fish, and then at the reese's pb cups, and then back at the fish, and then at the peanut butter m&m's, they were actually in my hand, and then I put them back and walked over to look at the donuts, and then back to the candy aisle to look at the hershey's special dark chocolate and twix and fish again, and then I walked to the cookie aisle to look at the milano cookies and then to the ice cream section and on my way to check out I glanced at the orange slices.  It is amazing I got out of that store without any food.  I briefly thought about getting something and eating it and then just not putting it on here but that would be blatant lying and I didn't really want to do that.)

Day 26 - July 21, 2011

Breakfast:  2 eggs, spinach, red bell pepper, mushrooms
Lunch:  Braised Beef, carrots, sweet potato chunks, onions and green bell pepper at The Pump
Dinner:  Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, and roasted red peppers and a croissant from The City Bakery
Snack:  Apple, Muscle Milk Protein Shake with frozen strawberries and bananas

(As I was walking through Central Park I stopped and lingered at the waffle cart.  I had already stopped and lingered outside a chocolate shop on Madison Ave.  I also had walked into Max Brenner's chocolate shop on Broadway but left empty handed.  Anyways, these waffle people beat Bobby Flay in a throwdown just like the Levain cookies did, so I'm thinking the waffle is pretty dang good.  But I moved on knowing I had a croissant in my bag that I had been dragging around in stiffling temperatures for the past 4-5 miles.  I figure the waffle cart will still be there if I decide I can't live without trying one.)

Day 25 - July 20, 2011

Breakfast:  Muscle Milk Protein Shake with frozen bananas and strawberries
Snack:  Western omlette (no cheese), broccoli, 1.5 slices of sourdough toast
Lunch:  12 shrimp, 7 grape tomatoes, zuchinni
Dinner:  Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, and roasted red peppers
Snack:  400 cal brazil nuts, carrots, apple

My lunch.  I could have this everyday.

(I really wanted some soft serve ice cream at the concert...or some Mrs. Fields cookies...or some peanut m&m's.  I did have 2 diet pepsi's...I didn't fall asleep during the concert though.  Yay for swearing at the sugary food and having that work again today.)

Day 24 - July 19, 2011

Breakfast:  13 or so shrimp, mushrooms, red bell pepper, 7 grape tomatoes
Snack:  Muscle Milk Light Shake
Lunch:  Omlette with bacon, leeks, potatoes, guyere cheese and a croissant from Sarabeth's on Amsterdam Ave.
Dinner:  Carrots, Lettuce wraps with salami, provolone, roasted red peppers
Snack:  Apple, Muscle Milk Light Shake with frozen strawberries and bananas

(I was super hungry this evening hence the extra snack.  I think it's because I jogged for 50 minutes and lifted weights at the gym this morning.  Everytime I saw sugary food today I said a 3 word phrase, two of them swear words, to myself.  If there were free croissants from Sarabeth's on a table alongside croissants from The City Bakery that you had to pay for, then I'd be getting out the money.)

Day 23 - July 18, 2011

Breakfast:  2 eggs, spinach, mushrooms, red bell pepper, avocado
Lunch:  Cornbread, French Roll, Corn soup with crab, Southwest Chicken Cobb Salad at Bar Americain on 52nd Street
Snack:  Apple, Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas
Dinner:  Carrots, lettuce wraps with salami, provolone, and roasted red peppers

(Nice to know that regular bread doesn't send me into a tailspin.  The cobb salad was so good.  Not huge like you would see at the Cheesecake Factory or Claim Jumper but very filling, especially after the soup.)

Day 22 - July 17, 2011

If it's sweet and you can think of it, I probably had it at some point today. 

So here is the list of things I thought of to do for the next two weeks whilst on vacation that don't involve food: read a book, go sit on a park bench and be "freely entertained", go to the MET since I now get in "free", pick a block and walk east/west instead of north/south, listen to music, take a nap, write someone a letter.

I was talking with my mom tonight and she mentioned, once again, needing to come inside from working out in the yard to "clean house".  I love my mom a ton but she's been talking about that for the past 5-10 years.  I realized that me talking about food woes is the same as hearing my mom talk again and again about the house.  So you probably want to say, "shut up and just do it", but you're either too nice, don't think it will matter, or hope I figure it out on my own.

Day 21 - July 16, 2011

Snack:  Muscle Milk Light protein shake with frozen strawberries and bananas
Breakfast:  Slice of Quiche with leeks, ham, and guyere cheese, 1 cup lettuce at Loeb Boathouse in Central Park
Lunch:  Corned Beef and swiss cheese sandwich on rye bread, pickles at Katz's Deli (only had one slice of bread)
Dinner:  Avocado, 3 mini cucumbers, 8 grape tomatoes, mini cannoli from DiRobertis Bakery

(Felt pretty good about today.  I drank a ton of water.  The cannoli was supposed to be the best cannoli in town according to a book I have.  I would disagree.  We have better cannolis in Whittier or at Whole Foods.)

Day Twenty - July 15, 2011

I've already decided I'm not going to write about today.  It's not any worse than any other day has been.  I just don't want to dwell.  If I were a student of mine asking me for advice, I'd tell them to learn from it, forget about it and move on.  Try harder tomorrow.  If something doesn't work, you just try again until you get it.  Because you're eventually going to get it.  So I'm going to take me own advice at 5:14pm (est) and move on.  And I know I'll eventually get it.

Day Nineteen - July 14, 2011

I'm going to post now even though it's only 2pm.  This was the fall off the wagon morning.  You may be thinking, wow, was she ever even on the wagon.  Yeah, I dunno sometimes.

Breakfast:  Coconut creme/glaze yeast donut from The Doughnut Plant
Breakfast part 2:  Corned beef omlette, 1 slice toast, 10 french fries (I've never had fries served with eggs before.) from 2nd Ave Deli
Snack:  Rugelach with nuts and dried fruit, chocolate covered peach, chocolate covered cherry thing from Russ and Daughters
Lunch:  1/2 of an almond horn and a huge chocolate covered macaroon from a place at the Grand Central Market, swedish fish
Snack:  Small chocolate/peanut butter frappe from Little Brown, 1/2 of a cinnamon babka from Russ and Daughters

Dinner has to be 2 chicken tenderloins, 1 yellow squash, 1 zuchinni, tomatoes or I've lost it completely.

Day Eighteen - July 13, 2011

Breakfast:  Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas, leftover shawarma, 1/2 of an everything bagel, cream cheese, tomatoes
Lunch:  3 small slices of parmesean encrusted chicken, snow peas and kale, croissant from The City Bakery
Snack:  Chocolate chip cookie from The City Bakery
Dinner:  Green Chili Cioppino, blue cornbread muffin, two small herb flavored rolls, small lime tart with blueberries from Mesa Grill

(Every meal had carbs but at least I'm pacing myself at this point.  The croissant was probably the best one I've ever had.  The outside was more like a pretzel.  Some of the bottom was a bit too done so I didn't eat that part but the rest was amazing.  No more bagels for me in NY.  They're just not that good.  I really like the sourdough and honey wheat bagels at home in AG.  The cookies at Levain are still the best, hands down.)

Day Seventeen - July 12, 2011

Breakfast:  Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas
Snack:  2 eggs with red bell peppers, mushrooms, broccoli
Lunch:  2 chicken tenderloins, cucumber, tomatoes, mozarella cheese, basil
Snack:  Smoked salmon and cream cheese, cucumber, chocolate carmel brownie and blond brownie mini from Fat Witch Bakery at the Chelsea Market
Dinner:  Smoked salmon and cream cheese, apple, 200 cal brazil nuts

(I still have leftover shawarma and 2 more chicken tenderloins to eat sometime.  I just realized I didn't eat out today.  Wow.  Tomorrow I plan on eating out twice.  We'll see how that goes.)

Day Sixteen - July 11, 2011

Breakfast:  1/2 of an everything bagel, cream cheese, smoked salmon
Snack:  2 scoops strawberry muscle milk light
Lunch:  2 chicken tenderloins, tomatoes, cucumber, carrots, asiago cheese, romaine
Snack:  Chocolate cherry roll from Amy's Bread at the Chelsea Market
Dinner:  1/2 of the following - Shawarma (Shredded chicken and lamb, I think), hummus, and laffa from Olympic Pita
Snack:  Coconut Dream Bar from Amy's Bread, caffeine free diet coke

(I threw the rest of the bagel and laffa away.  They were good but not that good.  Tomorrow is "eat what's in the fridge" day.  I bought other sweet stuff at the Chelsea Market that I have managed not to eat yet.  Amazing.  It's for tomorrow and Wednesday.)

Day Fifteen - July 10, 2011

Breakfast:  3 egg whites, red bell pepper, mushrooms, broccoli, 1/2 avocado
Snack:  200 cal brazil nuts
Lunch:  Chicken thigh meat, kale/carrot salad, yellow bean/ginger salad all from Whole Foods salad bar area
Snack:  Lobster tail pastry, canolli
Dinner:  Ostrich fillet purchased at Union Square Farmers Market, tomatoes, mozarella cheese, basil
Snack:  2 cookies from Insomnia Cookies and an ice cream thing kinda like a blizzard from McDonalds

(It's like I want to eat all the crap food in one day, like it will all be gone tomorrow.  How stupid.  Ryan said I needed a plan.  I obviously haven't had one for the first 10 days I've been here.  So I'll make a plan now for tomorrow.  It's going to involve a bagel.)

Day Fourteen - July 9, 2011

Breakfast:  Muscle Milk Light
Snack:  3 egg white omlette with red peppers and mushrooms, broccoli, 1/2 avocado, glass of orange juice
Lunch:  Beef, chicken, shrimp, baby corn, water chestnut, mushroom, broccoli stir fry at Grand Sichuan Int'l
Snack:  Pumpkin bread from a farmers market booth
Dinner:  Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas
Snack:  Grasshopper cupcake from Crumbs and a double chocolate chip cookie from Levain Bakery
Dessert:  Chocolate Custard with Peanut Butter Sauce and Chocolate Toffee Pieces from The Shake Shack

This was breakfast part two.

(No real food after lunch.  :(  Need to do better tomorrow.  I'm trying to get all the sweets out of my system.  Except for the cookies.  They're too good to ignore.)

Day Thirteen - July 8, 2011

Breakfast:  Museli, milk, 3/4 of an orange
Snack:  Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries
Lunch:  Salad with turkey, tomatoes, cucumber, peppers, onions, guacamole from The Pump near Union Square
Snack:  Lettuce wraps with ham, salami, turkey, provolone, asiago, and pesto
Dinner:  Tilapia, one cup yellow squash, one cup zuchini
Snack:  Banana with chocolate peanut butter (170cal)

(No pastries or cookies.  It's amazing.)

Day Twelve - July 7, 2011

Breakfast:  Banana and a blueberry muffin from Levain Bakery
Snack:  Huge chocolate chip walnut cookie from Levain Bakery
Lunch:  Chicken greek salad and 1/2 a pita at Eata Pita in Grand Central Station
Snack:  Mini cheesecake with chocolate swirl from Magnolia Bakery in Grand Central Station
Dinner:  Traditional tasting menu at Babbo.  It was 8 courses.  Not a ton of food really but there's no way I want to write it all here.  If you're really interested go to babbonyc.com and it's there under menu.

(Tomorrow I'm going shopping at Trader Joe's.  I want some eggs and broccoli and maybe some peppers and mushrooms.  It's time to try out the kitchen in this apartment.)

Day Eleven - July 6, 2011

Breakfast:  Apple, 200 cal brazil nuts
Snack:  Museli cereal, milk, orange
Lunch:  1/2 of a pastrami sandwich, 1/2 of a turkey sandwich, 1/2 of a potato pancake, pickles from Carnegie Deli on 7th Ave.
Snack:  A ton of gummi candy and 10 hershey's kisses
Dinner:  Lettuce wraps with a slice of ham, a slice of salami, 2 slices of provolone, red peppers, pesto
Snack:  2 pieces of fudge

(Hmm...I think I've decided that the fudge is too sweet.)

Day Ten - July 5, 2011

Breakfast:  Banana, 200 cal brazil nuts
Snack:  Carmel nut fudge
Lunch:  1/2 of a shrimp garlic tamale, crunchy soft shell crab salad, blue corn/cornmeal muffin from Mesa Grill on 5th ave.
Snack:  1/2 of a piece of coconut cake from Mesa Grill
Dinner:  Lettuce wrap with turkey, salami, cheese, red pepper, pesto, 3/4 of a piece of peanut butter chocolate fudge
Snack:  Medium Mud Slide Milkshake from The Shake Shack

(Mesa Grill was great.  I've never had a soft shell crab before.)

Day Nine - July 4, 2011

Breakfast:  Banana, 400 cal brazil nuts.
Snack:  Chocolate sourdough roll and a giant chocolate peanut butter chip cookie from Levain Bakery on 74th St.
Lunch:  Salad with carrots, cucumber, chicken, beets, cauliflower and eggplant.
Snack:  A lot of gummi candy from Dylan's Candy Bar on 3rd Ave. and 8 mini hershey candy bars.
Dinner:  Lettuce wraps with salami, turkey and provolone.
Snack:  2 servings of peanut m&m's and 4 servings of gummi bears.

(Ann thinks I'm eating a lot of candy.  I told her I'll be fine once she leaves.)

Day Eight - July 3, 2011

Breakfast:  1/2 a sandwich with pesto, roasted red pepper, romaine, salami and provolone and a banana.
Lunch:  mini cheese pizza and 3 mini pastries from Ferrara's in Little Italy.
Snack:  1 and 1/2 mini pastries from some other bakery on the Lower East Side.
Dinner:  3 mini lettuce wraps...pretty much a sandwich without the bread and a chocolate chunk cookie from Insomnia Cookies
Snack:  2 candy bars from The Chocolate Bar, a ton of sour patch kids.

(Another carb heavy day.  Not sure when that is going to change...well, when I want it to...and I know I don't want it to yet.  :(  I know I'll want to soon and then I'll be good.  I'm not binging so that's a plus.)

Day Seven - July 2, 2011

Breakfast:  Banana, 100 cal dried fruit, 200 cal brazil nuts
Lunch:  1/2 of a peanut butter/banana/honey sandwich on wheat bread, 1/2 of a peanut butter/chocolate sauce/vanilla ice cream sundae from Peanut Butter Co. on Sullivan Street
Snack:  1 caramel candy and 1 chocolate caramel candy from Murray's Cheese Shop on Bleeker Street, Lion candy bar from Zabar's on Broadway
Dinner:  Two halves of a sandwich - one half was ham/turkey/asiago/mustard and the other half was salami/provolone/pesto/roasted red pepper, chocolate chip peanut butter cookie from The Chocolate Bar on 8th Ave
Snack:  Chocolate chip peanut butter cookie from Insomnia Cookies on Amsterdam Ave, 6 sour gummi bears, caramel nut dark chocolate bar from Lilac on 8th Ave

(That seems like a lot of really "bad" food but it wasn't out of control and we had fun today.)

Day Six - July 1, 2011

Breakfast:  5 egg whites, 1/2 cup spinach, 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/2 avocado, 4 grape tomatoes
Snack 1:  200 cal brazil nuts, 200 cal mixed dried fruit
Snack 2:  200 cal brazil nuts, 200 cal mixed dried fruit
Lunch:  Ham and swiss cheese on a ciabata roll from Starbucks
Snack:  Gummi bears and gummi worms
Dinner:  Hamburger, fries, black and white milkshake at The Shake Shack on Columbus Ave at 77th St.

Day Five - Thursday June 30, 2011

Breakfast:  4 egg white omlette with broccoli and spinach, 1/2 avocado, 4 grape tomatoes
Snack:  200 cal brazil nuts, apple
Snack 2:  1 cup sugar free strawberry jello with strawberries and bananas
Lunch:  2/3 chicken breast, yellow squash, eggplant, red peppers, bean sprouts
Snack:  Progenex Recovery Vanilla Shake, 1 cup blueberries
Dinner:  2/3 chicken breast, yellow squash, eggplant, red peppers, bean sprouts, 2 apples

(I probably ate too much fruit today but I was trying to get rid of it before I left town.)