Day 62

I went to Starbucks and corrected Geometry tests.  I went to Target and bought nice smelling room stuff to mask the Skunky smell in my bathroom.  I went to the gym and rowed a bunch and did other stuff.  I went home and did a load of laundry.  I did the dishes.  I filed my taxes.  I read some of a book called "Feeling Good".  I went to Lucilles.  They brought me the biscuit before I could tell them I didn't want it and it was downhill from there.

My mom called sometime after that but I missed it and had to call her back.  She asked how I was doing and if I needed anything.  I don't know how to tell them I'm going crazy.  I did manage to tell my dad that I want the summer to be here.  They are getting ready to go on a big trip and I don't want them to worry about me while they're gone.

At one point after the Lucilles disaster I was driving around almost crying in my car.  I decided that all I really want to do is walk.  I just want to start walking and see where I end up, kinda.  I really want to go "hiking" but I know I'm not supposed to hike alone.  I'm trying to join an OC Hiking group and see what that's all about.  The lady that runs the meet up group writes on Sundays in the OC Register.  I need to do something basic and free that gets me outside.

I'm afraid people won't like me if I'm "too healthy".  But I actually do enjoy healthy foods.  They make me feel good.  But because I'm crazy I still manage to eat well like I want to in front of other people and then I go for self sabotage when I'm alone so that I don't get "too skinny" again.  So now no one is telling me I'm too skinny but at the same time I don't like the way I look or feel.  So I end up annoyed at myself and the world and everything in it.  And because I'm annoyed I'd rather be alone.  I don't want to have to pretend to be happy since I already do that 7 hours a day at school.

I've tried talking with God but I'm mad at Him too and I've told Him that.  I'm also annoyed at the Kaiser lady.  She told me to get off the eating thing but talking with "ed" was working.  I liked telling "ed" off.  The "feeling good" book just puts a different spin on it.  They call "ed" your "internal critic" and the author encourages people to write down what their internal critic says, what type of mental distortion is present, like "all or nothing" thinking which I definitely have issues with, and then what a rational response would be to the internal critic.  So after letting Ed win since Monday (minus Friday) I'm going back to telling him to take a long walk off a short bridge.  I don't know why I listen to other people when I usually know what I need to do I'm just afraid to do it.  I need to trust myself every once in awhile and see how that goes.