Day 31 - July 26, 2011

Instead of writing today about "what I eat" (cuz I ate a lot) I think I'm gonna write about "why I eat"...

I rarely eat because I'm hungry.

I eat because I don't know what else to do.  This is really crazy because there are a ton of things to do.  I just don't know which one of the options to pick.  I don't know what I really want to be doing.  Do I want to read, or knit, or make earrings, or play computer games, or talk to people... I have no idea.  So instead I sit.  And think about eating.  And even as I'm eating I think about what I want to be eating next. 

So many good memories and events from the past involve food.  There are bad events too but when friends and family get together there is usually some meal that is taking place.  Food is "special".  And in the past two years I've arbitrarily deemed food "good" and "bad".  When I think about family meals in the past people are alive, they're young, we're all together, we haven't yet been weighed down by "life".  But people are sometimes intoxicated in these memories.  They aren't happy with who they are.  They're putting on a show.  We talk, but not about things that really matter.  I've known these people my entire life and yet I don't really "know" them or maybe I feel like they don't know me.  I feel like I'm hiding, that now I'm the one putting on a show, that if people really knew what I was thinking then they wouldn't like me.  I feel that I have important things to tell them but am not sure how they're going to take it.  I'm afraid it'll hurt them.  That I'm being selfish.  I'm afraid they won't care.  But I need them to care.  Even though I seem to "have it all together" I know that I don't.

And then the question becomes, how do you get it together?  How can a person who is 32 years old still be figuring out how to live.  I dunno.  I think I've come to grips with the fact that living is a process.  There isn't a set finish line to be crossed.  That knowledge helps a little bit.  I'm a work in progress.  "Begin to be now what you will be hereafter."... William James