Day 45

Day off from the gym.  Ate fine...3 real food meals and one protein shake/fruit meal.  It seems like 5 meals has morphed into 4.  I'm trying to not eat unless I'm hungry.  I forgot what hungry feels like.

Ed tried to jump into my head a few times today...right after I ran over a curb in a parking lot and got a flat tire and really bad at Target when I was getting ready to buy two bananas.  Ed was telling me I was going to eat the bananas right then.  But I knew I didn't want to do that.  I was buying them to eat on Thursday and on Saturday when I go to the gym.  Ed was telling me to eat them immediately and I was momentarily in a panic because in the past I would've eaten them then.  I was starting to think I should put them back on the shelf so that I didn't eat them, but I didn't.  I bought them and I didn't eat them.  But I'm not completely stupid.  I left them in the trunk of my car.  There's no way I'm walking back into the cold tonight to get them...and I don't want them anyways.

Day 44

I rowed 7000m and it took 34:46.  I stopped a bunch of times to fix the foot straps and to drink water.  I wasn't going for a pr at all.

I ate real food twice today and had two pieces of fruit with 2 protein drinks.  I normally would have eaten another meal of real food.  But it's 10:23 and I'm not really hungry and it's kinda late to be eating, but here Ed is telling me that I'm supposed to eat 5 times a day etc.  So now is the time for me to just go to sleep.  Ed can't win if I'm asleep.

I got an appointment at Kaiser for the 12th to see if I really do have an eating disorder.  That should be "interesting".

Day 43

Ok day for a rainy Monday, except that my school laptop is crashing and I can't retrieve any of my files.  I thought I was going to flip out around 1pm.  Oh well.

I ate ok today.  Ed only tried to bug me a few times and I was too pissed off at my laptop to really listen to him.  He almost got me about 30 minutes ago though.  I had cooked 2 pounds of brussels sprouts to eat as the week goes on and they were cooling down.  Ed said to eat some but I had just had sautéed vegetables, cucumbers, and lettuce wraps with pastrami.  I was definitely no longer hungry.  But I had 5 or 6 and then asked myself what in the world I was doing and threw them in the fridge so I didn't have to look at them anymore.

I rowed today.  4 sets of 800m with 2 minutes rest in-between sets.  I got times like 3:12, 3:07, 3:21 (as I was talking to someone), and 3:08.  I'm planning on rowing 7000m again tomorrow.

I heard back from the Kaiser email your doctor thing.  He suggests I make an appointment with a different department to see if I really have an eating disorder.  I also called Laura back to say I definitely can't afford to see her anymore at this point.

Pretty productive day.

Day 42

I rowed 7000m this morning in 32:18.  My iPod was out of batteries so that was interesting.  Kinda nice though.

Ed wants me to go out and get food at Lucille's right now.  I don't think I'm hungry.  He's telling me that if I go out and get food then I'll be able to stay awake longer and put the Geometry test scores into my computer.  I could put the scores in right now without the food but Ed has made me feel really anxious.  So I'll probably just go to sleep.  Ed's trying to ruin a perfectly good day.  How annoying.

I know the above paragraph makes me seem crazy but I don't care anymore.  I've tried a lot of things in the past 16 months and nothing has worked long term.  I'm giving this a shot.

Day 41

Today was a travel to Tucson and back day with a bball game thrown into the middle.  Great day!  I think flying gives me a headache though, that or just airports in general.  I found a book on amazon, and then bought it at barnes and noble, called "getting rid of ed" or something like that.  In the first few pages the author is explaining how she "broke up" with Ed, her eating disorder.  There is dialogue in the book between her and Ed.  I decided to write the conversations I have with Ed down, at least some of them.  The first 2 happened 20 minutes apart at LAX this morning.  Then I was ok until I was back in town at the whole foods market in El Segundo.  Ed wanted me to buy food that I knew I didn't want as I had just eaten dinner.  I knew that if I bought the food that I was going to eat it all right then as I drove home.  I escaped, thank goodness.  About 30 minutes ago Ed wanted me to eat to stay awake and "be productive" when all I really want to do is go to sleep.  So I'm going to sleep.  Ed did not win today, but he tried, at least 4 times, probably more like 6 or 7.  Needless to say I took today off from the gym.

Day 40

No sugar and only overate for about 20 minutes which I'm thinking was about 1200 calories.  Could've been worse for sure.  I had a thought today that maybe I should trade eating sprees in for diet pepsi sprees.  Granted soda is terrible for you but still, it's gotta be better than what I'm doing now.  And as I'm typing this I'm thinking I should spree eat on celery or something like that.  I've eaten an entire celery thing before so I know that's possible, except I was eating it with almond butter.  Thank goodness I've moved on from that.  I know I need to move past all of this and figure out a better way to "deal".  I rowed today...2500m, then rest  2 minutes and row 2500m again.  Times weren't super great but I was ok with that.  I'm also looking into visiting a doctor at Kaiser to see what they have to say about my eating habits.  I've realized I am not on the road to recovery.  Right now I don't even know if I want to be.  But I know that I should want it.  Not good.

Day 39

Uhh, open house.  I fell asleep driving back to school tonight at one or two red lights-not great.  I rowed 6000m at the gym this afternoon in just under 30 minutes.  That was ok.  No sugar but overate again.  This all just leaves me shaking my head.  And again all I can say is I dunno.  It's just too hard.  I'm afraid.  I dunno.  To have an eating disorder but to not know what to do about it is frustrating.