July 29th:
Chocolate French Toast with strawberries, bacon at Norma's. Chocolate chip brioche, chocolate chip banana bread, cookie from Levain Bakery. Falafel, tahini, babaganoush, pita from The Hummus Place. Chocolate Peanut Butter drink from Jacques Torres.
July 30th:
Banana, almond butter, cinnamon raisin bagel, plum. Chiliquilles with scrambled eggs and bacon, mango upside down cake at Mesa Grill. 2 cookies from Levain Bakery. Croissant from The City Bakery. Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake from The Shake Shack. 1/2 of a corned beef and swiss cheese sandwich on pumpernickel from Carnegie Deli. Dark chocolate Haagen Daaz ice cream bar.
When I get off the plane tomorrow I'm doing the no sugar thing. I had thought about going to the Cheesecake Factory for a piece of cheesecake but decided against it. I can't give myself an excuse to go nuts on sugar when I get back and I know that that piece of cheesecake would do that. It makes me nervous just thinking about it. I think too much. It's 1:17am. I should sleep.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Day 33 - July 28, 2011
Hmm...pancakes with chocolate and coconut, ham, 3 huge cookies, 1 chocolate chip brioche, lettuce wraps with provolone, peppers and 1 slice of turkey, bread, shrimp with spinach, tomatoes and orzo, 2 mini waffles with berries, chocolate and ice cream.
So I made a list, really two lists. List one was when I'm most likely to go crazy on sugar. List two was why I want to stop eating sugar on Monday, because I know I'm not going to stop now...the cookies are about 1/2 a mile away and there's pretty good mint chip ice cream that's even closer.
The list went like this, in this order...I pretty much wasn't thinking, I was just writing.
Why I want to stop eating sugar:
I want to like myself again.
I don't want to be out of control.
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to get diabetes.
I want to learn how to deal with my problems in other ways.
There has to be more to life than this cycle.
I don't want to keep doing things to make other people happy.
I want to learn how to be happy in spite of life's problems.
I want to learn how to be honest.
I want to do what's best for me.
So I made a list, really two lists. List one was when I'm most likely to go crazy on sugar. List two was why I want to stop eating sugar on Monday, because I know I'm not going to stop now...the cookies are about 1/2 a mile away and there's pretty good mint chip ice cream that's even closer.
The list went like this, in this order...I pretty much wasn't thinking, I was just writing.
Why I want to stop eating sugar:
I want to like myself again.
I don't want to be out of control.
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to get diabetes.
I want to learn how to deal with my problems in other ways.
There has to be more to life than this cycle.
I don't want to keep doing things to make other people happy.
I want to learn how to be happy in spite of life's problems.
I want to learn how to be honest.
I want to do what's best for me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 32 - July 27, 2011
It's 11:25pm eastern time and I'm too tired to write. I ate at Mesa Grill (southwest) and at Swagat (indian) today. I had churros, chocolate, ice cream and a cookie. I'm 196 pages into a book titled, "willpower's not enough". It's better than the books I've read about eating compulsively. I need sleep.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 31 - July 26, 2011
Instead of writing today about "what I eat" (cuz I ate a lot) I think I'm gonna write about "why I eat"...
I rarely eat because I'm hungry.
I eat because I don't know what else to do. This is really crazy because there are a ton of things to do. I just don't know which one of the options to pick. I don't know what I really want to be doing. Do I want to read, or knit, or make earrings, or play computer games, or talk to people... I have no idea. So instead I sit. And think about eating. And even as I'm eating I think about what I want to be eating next.
So many good memories and events from the past involve food. There are bad events too but when friends and family get together there is usually some meal that is taking place. Food is "special". And in the past two years I've arbitrarily deemed food "good" and "bad". When I think about family meals in the past people are alive, they're young, we're all together, we haven't yet been weighed down by "life". But people are sometimes intoxicated in these memories. They aren't happy with who they are. They're putting on a show. We talk, but not about things that really matter. I've known these people my entire life and yet I don't really "know" them or maybe I feel like they don't know me. I feel like I'm hiding, that now I'm the one putting on a show, that if people really knew what I was thinking then they wouldn't like me. I feel that I have important things to tell them but am not sure how they're going to take it. I'm afraid it'll hurt them. That I'm being selfish. I'm afraid they won't care. But I need them to care. Even though I seem to "have it all together" I know that I don't.
And then the question becomes, how do you get it together? How can a person who is 32 years old still be figuring out how to live. I dunno. I think I've come to grips with the fact that living is a process. There isn't a set finish line to be crossed. That knowledge helps a little bit. I'm a work in progress. "Begin to be now what you will be hereafter."... William James
I rarely eat because I'm hungry.
I eat because I don't know what else to do. This is really crazy because there are a ton of things to do. I just don't know which one of the options to pick. I don't know what I really want to be doing. Do I want to read, or knit, or make earrings, or play computer games, or talk to people... I have no idea. So instead I sit. And think about eating. And even as I'm eating I think about what I want to be eating next.
So many good memories and events from the past involve food. There are bad events too but when friends and family get together there is usually some meal that is taking place. Food is "special". And in the past two years I've arbitrarily deemed food "good" and "bad". When I think about family meals in the past people are alive, they're young, we're all together, we haven't yet been weighed down by "life". But people are sometimes intoxicated in these memories. They aren't happy with who they are. They're putting on a show. We talk, but not about things that really matter. I've known these people my entire life and yet I don't really "know" them or maybe I feel like they don't know me. I feel like I'm hiding, that now I'm the one putting on a show, that if people really knew what I was thinking then they wouldn't like me. I feel that I have important things to tell them but am not sure how they're going to take it. I'm afraid it'll hurt them. That I'm being selfish. I'm afraid they won't care. But I need them to care. Even though I seem to "have it all together" I know that I don't.
And then the question becomes, how do you get it together? How can a person who is 32 years old still be figuring out how to live. I dunno. I think I've come to grips with the fact that living is a process. There isn't a set finish line to be crossed. That knowledge helps a little bit. I'm a work in progress. "Begin to be now what you will be hereafter."... William James
Monday, July 25, 2011
Day 30 - July 25, 2011
These past 30 days seem to have gone pretty slowly. I'm too tired to list this out in the order in which I consumed the following so here it is all jumbled up.
Pretty healthy food: Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, red peppers. Omlette with ham, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, cheese and a piece of toast. Beef, eggplant, green bell pepper and water chestnut stir fry.
Sugary food: One dark chocolate/pecan/carmel cluster. Gummy candy. 5 dark carmels. 2 peanut butter/chocolate drinks...one at noon and one at 9pm. One dark chocolate cookie. Dark chocolate/mixed nuts candy bar.
(It was apparently a peanut butter and dark chocolate day. Really rich. All the sugary stuff was spread out through the course of the day. I spent a lot of money on food today. I'm not gonna figure out how much. Oh crap...I just remembered that I also tried three of the smallest cupcakes ever, like the size of a quarter. Peanut butter, mint, and red velvet.)
Pretty healthy food: Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, red peppers. Omlette with ham, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, cheese and a piece of toast. Beef, eggplant, green bell pepper and water chestnut stir fry.
Sugary food: One dark chocolate/pecan/carmel cluster. Gummy candy. 5 dark carmels. 2 peanut butter/chocolate drinks...one at noon and one at 9pm. One dark chocolate cookie. Dark chocolate/mixed nuts candy bar.
(It was apparently a peanut butter and dark chocolate day. Really rich. All the sugary stuff was spread out through the course of the day. I spent a lot of money on food today. I'm not gonna figure out how much. Oh crap...I just remembered that I also tried three of the smallest cupcakes ever, like the size of a quarter. Peanut butter, mint, and red velvet.)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Day 29 - July 24, 2011
The following was eaten over a 17 hour period which I'm hoping, somehow, makes it not seem so bad.
Breakfast: 2 sourdough pancakes, 2 fried eggs, 2 sausage links at Bubby's in Tribeca.
Lunch: Bison meatballs, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, cucumber from The Pump and a croissant from The City Bakery
Snack: Iced Coffee
Snack again: Peanut Butter Shake
Dinner: Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, and red peppers. 2 cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery.
Snack: Sweedish fish at intermission of the play I was at
Snack again: Chocolate chip walnut cookie from Levain Bakery
(I got to the play early. It was hot outside. I went into Duane Reade (like a cvs/rite-aid) to cool down in their a/c. Of course you have to walk by all the candy. Sweedish fish were on sale. 2 bags, which have like 5 servings each, for $3. One bag was $2.49. Ugh. I didn't really want two bags, but they were on sale. At this point I've got the Levain Bakery cookie in my purse. I don't really need any sweedish fish of course, but I buy two bags anyways. At intermission I feel a little bit tired so I eat half of one bag of sweedish fish. As I'm watching acts 3 and 4 of this play I realize that I don't really want any more sweedish fish. But dang, I've got a bag and a half of them in my purse. I decide to throw them out. Which I did as I walked out of the theater when the play was over. So I get back to the place where I'm staying and I call a friend to talk for awhile. When we're done talking it's after midnight but I decide I still want to eat the cookie. As I'm 3/4 done with the wonderful cookie, I actually think to myself, "Damn why did I throw those fish out?" Umm...crazy.)
Breakfast: 2 sourdough pancakes, 2 fried eggs, 2 sausage links at Bubby's in Tribeca.
Lunch: Bison meatballs, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, cucumber from The Pump and a croissant from The City Bakery
Snack: Iced Coffee
Snack again: Peanut Butter Shake
Dinner: Lettuce wraps with turkey, provolone, and red peppers. 2 cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery.
Snack: Sweedish fish at intermission of the play I was at
Snack again: Chocolate chip walnut cookie from Levain Bakery
(I got to the play early. It was hot outside. I went into Duane Reade (like a cvs/rite-aid) to cool down in their a/c. Of course you have to walk by all the candy. Sweedish fish were on sale. 2 bags, which have like 5 servings each, for $3. One bag was $2.49. Ugh. I didn't really want two bags, but they were on sale. At this point I've got the Levain Bakery cookie in my purse. I don't really need any sweedish fish of course, but I buy two bags anyways. At intermission I feel a little bit tired so I eat half of one bag of sweedish fish. As I'm watching acts 3 and 4 of this play I realize that I don't really want any more sweedish fish. But dang, I've got a bag and a half of them in my purse. I decide to throw them out. Which I did as I walked out of the theater when the play was over. So I get back to the place where I'm staying and I call a friend to talk for awhile. When we're done talking it's after midnight but I decide I still want to eat the cookie. As I'm 3/4 done with the wonderful cookie, I actually think to myself, "Damn why did I throw those fish out?" Umm...crazy.)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Day 28 - July 23, 2011
Breakfast: Muscle Milk Light with frozen strawberries and bananas
Snack: Muscle Milk Light
Lunch: Scrambled eggs with chilis and goat cheese, ham, some "home fries", a variety of breads and berry shortcake at Mesa Grill on 5th Ave.
Snack: Large peanut butter chocolate frappe from Little Brown on Lexington Ave.
Dinner: Small waffle with peanut butter and whipped cream from the Waffles and Dinges Food Cart in Central Park
Snack: Apple and almond butter
(I know I need to eat more real food tomorrow. The fresh fruit is gone.)
Snack: Muscle Milk Light
Lunch: Scrambled eggs with chilis and goat cheese, ham, some "home fries", a variety of breads and berry shortcake at Mesa Grill on 5th Ave.
Snack: Large peanut butter chocolate frappe from Little Brown on Lexington Ave.
Dinner: Small waffle with peanut butter and whipped cream from the Waffles and Dinges Food Cart in Central Park
Snack: Apple and almond butter
(I know I need to eat more real food tomorrow. The fresh fruit is gone.)
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