Busy Day

I needed to be busy today.  By the end I wasn't really thinking about the craziness of life too much.  I did an outdoor workout with people from the gym.  I took a friend out for a belated birthday lunch.  I went to a friend's graduation open house.  Finally I cooked up some veggies to take to a BBQ with friends from the gym.  It was an alright day.

These flowers were in the backyard at the BBQ.  So pretty.

Graduation and Last Day!

Graduation was very nice last night.  It's always fun getting the chance to say bye to the kids that have influenced my life for 1-4 years.  And now it's the last day.  One period of finals to go.  I'm gonna make it!

Pencils

I gave my AP Stats kids a cheesy little thing I wrote and I attached a congratulations pencil or a have a good summer pencil to the 5 eleventh graders.  A lot of them seemed shocked I would do something like that.  One pencil ended up on the ground and one of the notes ended up on the ground.  It's interesting to me how some people like the sentiment and others like the object.  I love the kids and am sad they'll be gone after tomorrow.  It's hard to believe this school year is coming to an end.

12 years is about done!

I’m feeling somewhat retrospective as the last week of the school year 2012-2103 is about to begin.  I have 2 classes of seniors that I’ll only to get talk with for 2 more days.  There’s a chance I’ll see them later in life, but I know nothing is guaranteed.

When I think back on this year I’ll remember it in extremes.  My brother got married.  Too many people connected to school died.  My friend had her second girl.  My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby in October.  The therapist I really enjoyed working with, even if only for 3 sessions, passed away suddenly to begin the school year and a dear friend suddenly died to end it.  

The therapist convinced me to be more vulnerable in my personal relationships.  In some ways I’ve done that.  But I never got to tell him about it.  My dear friend knew of my struggles and routinely told me to be good to myself.  She knew I was my own worst critic, striving for perfection and nosediving into eating oblivion when that didn’t happen.  My relationship with food has improved so much, but I didn’t get to tell her that.

If someone were to ask me what landed me in therapy I’d have to say I forgot how to deal with the struggles of life in a non-destructive way.  It didn't help that the chemicals in my brain weren't working quite right.  I routinely wanted to lay on the floor at the start of this school year, cry, and do absolutely nothing.  And I felt bad about it.  But I didn’t care enough to change it at first.  I used all of my energy at school because I love my students and I love what I do.  So I had nothing left for me.  When I realized my mom’s short term memory was declining at an alarming rate, I didn’t know what to do.  When something good happened, I didn’t know what to do.  When a former student passed away, I really didn’t know what to do.  By now I’ve stopped trying to figure things out.  Life happens and it’s better for me if I go with the flow. I must admit that taking fluoxetine has also helped a lot.

I’m happier now than I have been in about 3 years.  I’ve stopped trying to fight the things I have no control over.  I choose to be as positive as possible for my students.  I choose to listen to them and to laugh with them.  I choose to play with my friends older daughter.  It’s amazing how being around a 22 month old is the best therapy I could ask for.  She lives in the moment.  She smiles with ease.  She enjoys the simple things.  She’s taught me so much.  Life is good.

Flower!

I took her to the vet this afternoon and tonight she fell asleep in my lap and purred while I petted her.  I hope she and Skunky eventually get along.

A long 2 weeks

Kids graduate soon.  Summer will be here soon.  I will have a lot of time to hang out.  I hope I don't go crazy.

I need to tell someone!

I have absolutely nothing to do right now for school.  I have a weekend to do as I please and instead of being happy about this notion I am feeling incredibly anxious right now and all I want to do is eat chocolate.  I have no chocolate at home and there is no way I'm getting dressed again to go out so I'm just sitting here feeling all jittery.  Hopefully watching The Incredibles for the first time will help calm me down.  I took a 2 hour nap but that didn't really help.  I need to recognize I'm starting to feel crazy right now but not let it completely destroy me.  I don't want to self-destruct anymore!